


In A Handbasket

by isawsparks



Category: South of Nowhere
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-03 08:30:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1738040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isawsparks/pseuds/isawsparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's wearing one of those short skirts, the ones I know mom disapproves of and the ones I completely approve of. The ones I approve of far more than I should, and not just because we're both girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The New Year

Stuck inside another Sunday dinner and all I can do is stare at her from across the table. Stare at her like I'm wearing the biggest pair of sunglasses ever created, leaving my line of visual interest hidden. The catch here, however, is I'm not wearing any glasses; my line of vision is certainly not hidden; and the object of my desire knows it. Oh how she knows, but pretends she doesn't. Or maybe I'm the one pretending.

She's wearing one of those short skirts; the ones I know mom disapproves of and the ones I completely approve of. The ones I approve of far more than I should, and not just because we're both girls.

I do this a lot. Staring. I do it too much. I want her. It took a long time to realize it. And it took even longer to accept it. But two years after first meeting her, I think I've managed to do both.

It's a complicated relationship we have, Ashley and me. Both nearing twenty seven, with plenty in common, she's become one of my closest friends here in my small hometown of Shaker Heights, Ohio. Population: One. While I could figure out the exact population number, I really don't care (and I'm sure all of you don't either) because all that matters to me (and I'm sure all of you, too) is she's a part of that population.

And really, who needs to know more than that?

Yeah, yeah. I know, I should probably include my family, my friends, hell even myself in that number. But I swear, some days, most days, all I care about is her. Some days, most days, all that lives and breathes in this town, is her.

It's bad. Really bad. But somehow, no one knows. No one suspects. No one but my best friend Madison, and even she hasn't mentioned anything. Some nights, like tonight, I'm nervous my father might have an idea. Some nights, like tonight, I catch him catching me watching her.

"So work's going well, honey?"

His voice draws me from my peas, a shabby subistitue for Ashley's adorable nose, but as I said, I knew he was watching.

"Yeah..." a sidelong glance at that gorgeous brunette (I seriously can't help myself), whose interest has diverted from my mother to my father and over to me "...pretty much."

She holds my attention in the delicate palm of her hand, taking her time in giving me that wicked knee weakening smirk of hers before returning to Paula's drabble about the "Club"s new pool. Leaving me in my own pool of arousal and guilt. It's moments like these where I know I'm not the one pretending. Where I'm sure she feels everything between us. Sees everything between us. I know she feels what I feel. Sees what I see. I know she sees everything inside of me.

Shit. I'm staring again.

And fuck. Dad's watching.

"So, uh, things at the Youth Center?" I stutter, eyes crawling back to his, knowing they're an exact mirror of my own "...things are, uh, going well?"

He takes a moment, smiling at me in such a strange way. Oh God, he knows. He so fucking knows. I'm a short few minutes from going to hell...and something tells me it won't be in a handbasket.

Breathe, Spence, breathe. Paranoia was never your friend.

"Same as always, which I guess is a good and bad thing."

He's normal again, eating his dinner through a smile; he's always been proud of his culinary skills, and rightfully so. I mean why else would my two brothers and I, off living our own lives, still gather back here at our childhood home every Sunday for one of his kick ass dinners?

It's the cooking I tell you.

I swear it's to see my family.

I keep telling myself that, but my disguise is wearing thin, you all see through it, and someday soon I fear they will too. Someday soon they'll all know my dirty secret. They will, and so will she.

A foot beckons me from my frightful thoughts. Her foot poking mine.

And I'm staring again. But so is she. So it's ok.

Conversation swirls around us; Clay and Chelsea's baby girls terrorizing first day of preschool; Glen's next away game; Mom's obsession with the "Clubs" new pool...seriously who i _s_ she sleeping with over there?

But I don't care enough to spend much more time dwelling on that (actually, I don't care to ever put more thought into that).

Ashley and I are having our own words, with our own eyes, with our own smiles, with our own food on our plate that we try to look down on...but _can't_. We can't leave each other. She's giving me her open mouthed smile. The one that makes me feel like all of this...is alright. I mean, friends can look at each other right? Best friends can have moments like these, that they don't want to end, can't they?

It's perfectly normal to want to sweep the table clean and throw said best friend over it, doing the most amazingly dirty things possible to her?

No? That's not exactly normal?

Sigh.

And once again, I don't care, because she's pulling the silly "cross-eyed" face she loves so much (as do I). A normal occurrence at Sunday dinners, and always almost makes me spit out my water. Gets me every time. It's so innocent, so goofy, so childish...just like her sometimes. And I love it. Just like I love her.

Yikes.

I really said that, didn't I? Love. The L word. I'm so in trouble, you don't even know the half of it.

A big, imperfect hand slides into Ashleys tanned and perfect one, pulling her from me.

"Ready, baby?"

_Ew._

"Oh..." She tries to look at me once more, I know it, but my fork holds my reserved-for-her-eyes attention "...yeah, I'm ready."

She sounds quiet and defeated.

But I'm fuming with jealousy. So much so, I won't look at her as she says her goodbyes to the room. I'll make up an excuse later. I'll figure out how to explain my sudden bitterness over "nothing." But right now, in this moment, it hurts too much to see her with him.

Him being my brother Glen.

That's the worst part, for so many obvious reasons, but the reason it eats at me isn't for those obvious reasons. It eats at me, cause I can't do anything about it. It aches for me to see her with him. It kills me a little more every time they share a routine, unthinking, kiss.

And I have no right to feel this way. I'm actually the opposite of right. I'm so wrong. All of this is so wrong. But the thing is, while it may be wrong, it doesn't feel that way.

No, everything with Ashley, only feels right. When I'm with Ashley, I finally feel right.

But that doesn't matter, because she's not mine, she never will be, and it's practically my fault.

I met Ashley when I set her up with my brother.

I wanted her by the time he proposed.

And I fell completely in love with her at their wedding.

Yeah, I'm _so_ going to hell.


	2. Soul Meets Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cause in my head there's a greyhound station  
> where I send my thoughts to far off destinations  
> so they may have a chance of finding a place  
> where they're far more suited than here

Glen and Ashley have been married for three months, but Ashley and I still meet at our favorite coffee house every day for lunch.

Glen and Ashley have been together for almost two years, but Ashley and I still read each other. Read each other too well, some might think, and for the most part, I never do. I love being able to look into her eyes, and know every story inside them. And I love the same goes for me with her.

Except for today.

Except for right now, sitting inside our favorite coffee house. I'm not loving that she can read me so well. I'm avoiding those eyes. Because they spell worried and confused words, and I know it's only a matter of time before she asks about last night.

"So, what was that last night?"

Man, I'm good and If it were anyone else, I'd say we spend too much time together, but that could never be the case with her. Even when she asks dreaded questions like the one she just asked.

I'm in a mild predicament here, mainly because I forgot to conjure up an excuse for last night's bitter behavior. So instead, I'm running right down Avoidance Lane, blowing over my coffee with such concentration, you'd think it were her naked body spread across my bed.

Mmm, naked.

"Hmm?"

"Come on, Spence, don't bullshit a bullshitter..." she gently tugs my hand, removing me from that fascinating coffee mug "...what was with the cold shoulder?"

I shrug, hoping indifference will show honesty. "There was no cold shoulder, I was just tired."

"Oh please, I know you, I know you better than you know yourself, and that was not you being 'just tired' because that usually results in your drool on my shoulder..." she giggles quietly before focusing on my shifty eyes once more "...seriously, Spence, what's up?"

She's in complete concern mode, practically hovering over me on our shared couch, and while all I want to do is follow her lead and lean right back towards her... I don't. I stay straight where I am. I think she notices.

And it's definitely not helping my "I'm ok" case.

"Nothing's up, Ash, really, everything's cool."

She's so not looking convinced, and we so need to move on "...Really, I'm fine. Honest."

She's still not budging, except for her body sliding even closer to mine. The air is thickening, the space between us is burning up, and yeah...we definitely need to move on. I think sarcasm is the best and fastest solution.

"Yeah, you're right, I'm lying. I'm not fine..." I heavily sigh, before a sneaky sarcastic smile forms over my lips "...I'm actually better than fine. Amazing, even. No..." I widen my eyes, as hers simply roll, "...no that's still a lie, because I'm fantastic!" My arms begin to flail more and more with every dramatic exhalation, "Superb. Fabulous. Wait...you know what I really am?" Giving her a smirk, leaving her no time to answer, I loudly exhale "Un-fucking-believable."

She has no idea how unbelievable. Or maybe she does, judging from the pink forming on her cheeks.

"Ok, I get it, I get it!" Through somewhat unsure, but bashful, laughter, her hands pull mine down, not wanting my little scene to go any further. "Man, you forgot to add Drama Queen to that little diatribe."

"Wow, that's rich coming from you. Tell me again..." my finger taps my chin, deep in mock thought "...why did you call me in the middle of the night last week, shrieking into the phone?"

"Spencer, that's so not fair, you know how much spiders terrify me."

"Oh, believe me. _Believe_ me, I know...but it wasn't a spider, now was it? No, it was a feather, Ash, a feather that happened to brush against your arm in the dark." My hands cover my gasping mouth, eyes pointing in sarcastic fear. "Feathers! The. Horror!"

"I hate you."

"You love me."

"Too much."

"Too little."

"Too late?"

She pauses, both our eyes seriously fixed on each other, before we break into a sloppy rendition of the cheesy Jojo ditty "Too Little, Too Late". Clearly Ashley's masterfully carrying the same tune I'm so easily butchering. She seriously has the most amazing voice, and I normally would stop singing now just to admire it, but I much prefer her making music with me rather than without me.

Ba-dum-bum-tisch.

Eventually, our singing dies down along with our laughter, both exhaling deep sighs.

"Man, Jojo..." I breathe out, absentmindedly.

"...Such a talent." She finishes my thought, like she always does. We both nod in serious agreement, content with the silence between us. That is until I feel her warm, soft, unbelievable hand hold onto mine.

"Really, though, you're ok right? I mean..." she looks somewhat flustered at whatever she's about to say, moving her other hand to point between us "...we're ok, right?"

I gulp.

"Yeah. Couldn't be better."

Lies. Lies. Lies.

"Good."

She's still holding onto my hand, her thumb starts brushing over my skin, and my cheeks are lighting on fire. I have to stop this, no matter how much I'm enjoying it, I have to. So I let go of her and go right back for my mug, ending whatever moment we were having. I think I feel her disappointment.

"Now, since I have to go back to work in like fifteen minutes, how bout we talk about something that actually matters?"

I smile at my sarcastic jab, while she merely squints her eyes at me, pretending to be offended, before she dramatically exhales.

"Well I thought we were, but since you're all knowing in things that matter, please take the floor, it's all yours."

Eyes rolling with a few exasperated sighs, she's in complete faux-bitch mode (aka hot mode) and I'm probably blushing, but that's ok. We're not talking about me or cold shoulders anymore, and that's all that matters.

"Well, now that you've finally accepted my highly respected title..." I scoff, holding a hand to my heart, as she bows towards me in a very "your highness" way, making me snort lightly with laughter.

"Anyway..." I give her an eye roll, for really no reason at all, making her giggle softly as I continue on with conversation, "...I offer the topic of Aiden's upcoming birthday party to the table. Namely, what are we going to do for it?"

Aiden was my first boyfriend in high school, and the sad (well, depending on who you ask) part is he's probably the last serious one I've ever had. That's almost 10 years. Whatever, I have my fun, I just don't stick around for when it becomes unfun. I've always been a picky perfectionist. I never settle. I take what I want, use what I need, and leave it all behind when I'm done.

Are you laughing at my excuses too? Good. Cause you should. It's all bullshit. Truth is, I want her. No one else. And I guess that means I'm going to be alone forever. Somehow, though, with her looking at me with those brown _brown_ eyes, I could care less. Who really needs to grow old with someone? Not me.

I know, you're still laughing at my pitiful lies, aren't you?

Anyway, Aiden and I had our big two year relationship. Love. Kisses. First times. Homecomings. All that nonsense. We broke up when we left for separate colleges, both realizing it was a blessing, as we worked much better as friends. Best friends. And that's what we've always been.

He and Ashley hit it off right away when they first met, much to my displeasure I hate to admit. While they're great friends now (much to my pleasure, I'm very happy and proud to admit) it wasn't always that way. In fact, if I were to play the blame game (and I do love to play that game) Aiden is partly responsible for that whole setting "the love of my life" up with my brother.

It's not something I particularly like to relive, but you're all curious aren't you? Well I don't blame you, it still baffles me how we all got from there to here. Here, where Ashley is married to Glen, and I'm just pining pining pining away.

But you already know about "here", I guess it's time for me to show you "there".

 

******

 

"Spence, that girl is so hot." Aidens eyes do a not so covert crawl up her body. "Damn."

"You are _so_ sleazy, stop."

But he doesn't, he keeps checking out Ashley's perfect, but now hidden behind the counter, body. I lean across my chair, girlishly swatting his muscle-y arm.

"Aiden! Come on. You're embarrassing me!"

Not to mention making me insanely jealous. The weird thing, it's not jealousy over him, and the scary (or maybe sad) thing is, I can't even bring myself to figure out why.

"Aww Spence! Are you jealous? Want to have another go, cause well..." he lets his eyes look over my body, something I've seen him do a thousand times, however, this time there's no trace of that attraction like there was in the past "...I wouldn't be opposed."

He winks, and I shake my head, laughing wholeheartedly at his cheesiness. With a hand covering my eyes, I quietly wonder how we ever dated for two years. Or even how we're somehow best friends today.

"Hey Spencer!"

I'd know that raspy voice anywhere, and as I slowly peer above the hand covering my eyes, I know I'm right.

"Hi Ashley."

"Thought you might like a refill?" She holds out a coffee pot in my direction.

"Oh..." I glance down at my rather full mug and then hold it out to her with a shrug "..why not, thanks."

She fills me up, and I find myself briefly thinking of her filling me up in other ways.

Wait...what?

Did I really just think that?

Yes, I did and I have been for awhile. Ashley Davies, coffee pourer and pastry maker, is, as Aiden puts it, "hot". And maybe I have a little innocent crush on her. You know, in the same way that straight girls love Angelina Jolie.

It means nothing. I'm just bored and alone. The last guy I dated, Keith, lasted about three weeks, and happily ended when I realized I'd rather date a sack of potatoes than him.

I need stimulation, both mentally and physically, and I'm not finding it. So of course I'd grow fond of Ashley, head employee of the town's main coffee place. She's smart, witty, interesting, and friendly (most the time). Plus she's easy on the eyes. Who wouldn't want to be around that?

Well, I know I did and still do. Still very much do. It was by chance that we met, really. I had just moved back home from Cleveland, where I had been living for awhile after graduating from college. I was tired of the city life, I missed my family, and my job as a photographer for Clevelands underground music mag  _Pic_  was not what it used to be. So just like that, I moved back to my hometown, earning a job as a photographer at the local newspaper. Not the most glamorous of jobs, but I'm happy.

During my first week back in Shaker Heights, I stumbled into what I thought was The Coffee Pot, my favorite place to get a latte, however this was not The Pot. No, this place was jazzed up with funky drawings on the walls and splattered paint on the floor. I quickly realized that the rather large "The Bean" sign hanging before my eyes was indication that The Coffee Pot was no longer here. Not one for breaking the routine, I was completely ready to walk out; if it wasn't what I already knew and trusted, I didn't care to stay.

But then I heard her.

"Leaving so soon?"

Slowly I turned and found this full of energy brunette perched behind the register. Her wild curly strands of hair framing her beautiful face perfectly.

"See – I think you should stay, you don't know what you're missing out on."

There was something in her voice, her words, that made me believe her. I knew I'd be missing out if I didn't hang around.

So I did.

I've been coming back here for coffee breaks ever since. A month later, and I'm yet to really know anything about Ashley, except we're the same age, and that she's single.

Don't ask me how I know this. Or more so, why it relieves me.

We share hello's and happy smiles. She refills my cup, too often sometimes, and it makes me wonder if maybe she wants to start up conversation with me as much as I want to with her. Either way I keep coming back, sitting on the same comfy chair in the back right corner, pretending to read the paper, a book, my slides...while I watch her.

While I read her.

Yeah, I come here for the coffee. Yup. But, truthfully, The Bean's coffee isn't as good as the Coffee Pot's. And honestly, I don't miss it. Because the service here, with its witty comebacks, and hearty smiles, is worth more than any perfect latte.

I can hear Aiden coughing, growing louder with each second, and it breaks me from my thoughts.

"What?" I almost spit out, annoyed.

He widens his eyes, nodding towards Ashley, who's making her way back over here.

"Your point is..? Or am I supposed to understand what your grunting and nervous ticks mean?" I chuckle, so he knows I'm joking, as he rolls his eyes.

"Introduce me to the hottie!"

Right. Of course he wants to be introduced. And weirdly, I do not want that to happen.

"So big day at the paper, Spence?"

Ashley perches herself slightly on my arm rest, and suddenly it's very warm in here.

"Oh yeah, for sure."

For sure? You are such a loser. And there goes Aiden coughing again.

"You ok over there? You want something to drink, water or something?"

Ashley asks, with genuine concern and maybe some pity, and it takes everything in me to not burst out laughing. I knew I liked her.

Cheeks flushed and smiling, Aiden laughs, with a bit of embarrassment I'm sure, and stands. "Yeah, water, that's it..." he eyes me, while I just smirk "...I'm gonna go grab one, want anything Spence?"

I smile, shaking my head, and watch him walk away, a slight sulk in his step.

"Boyfriend?"

"Aiden? No..." I shake my head profusely "...definitely no."

"Ahhh..." She looks down on her skirt covered legs, sitting so close to my overheating body "...he's cute."

It's absentminded, but something tells me she might be interested. "Maybe you should introduce me then."

She says it sweetly, looking down on her tied hands in her lap, before smirking over towards me.

Oh no. No, absolutely not.

"Aiden? No, he's..." I'm so tempted to say gay, but somehow I know that will only backfire "...he's not really into relationships."

Not a complete lie.

"Well neither am I, sounds like a match made in heaven to me."

The smile on her face makes me wonder what her exact intentions are here. Something about that wicked smirk makes me think that maybe, just maybe, she's not interested in Aiden at all. Maybe, she's interested in him as way to get closer to me.

Either way she's not getting closer to Aiden, that I will make sure of.

"You should meet my brother." I practically blurt out, and I'm terribly confused as to where it even came from. Judging from Ashley's amused face, I'm sure she's a bit baffled too.

"Your brother, huh?"

Her mouth opens crookedly, as if she's actually mulling this outlandish suggestion over. We hardly know each other, and yet, here I am setting her up with my brother.

Which, remind me again, why am I doing this?

Oh right, to keep her away from Aiden. To keep her away from a potential relationship, and lord knows setting her up with Glen prevents both things. My oldest brother, in all his big brother glory, is a mess. A player. And while I love him, we all know he will never settle down.

And I'm safe in the knowledge that, unlike Ashley and Aiden, nothing could ever transpire between Ashley and Glen.

"Well..." she lightly places her hand over mine as she stands "...maybe I should."

She smiles down at me, and it makes me swallow hard. I've never seen this smile before. It's not as vibrant. It's soft...with the faintest trace of something else. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe sadness?

Either way, as I watch her sway back behind the register, I'm not sad. Because setting Ashley up with Glen to prevent her from dating Aiden is one of the best ideas I've ever come up with.

 

******

 

"Helloooo? Earth to Spencer."

"What?" I drawl, vaguely glancing towards her.

"So what do you think?"

She's smiling widely, in a smart ass way, knowing full well I've been spacing.

"About?"

"About a party at my place for Aid's big night?"

"Oh right, Aiden." My tone is strange from still being caught up in my memories from before, and as I see her looking at me funny, I change my tune quickly. "That sounds perfect, Ash. Glen won't mind?"

It takes everything in me to not cringe as I say my brothers name.

"Oh..." she waves her hand, dismissively "...he's not going to be here, some team publicity thing." She sighs, almost sadly. "To be honest, I'm not really sure where he's going to be, what event he's going to, they all seem to blend together these days."

It hurts my heart to see her sad, so I reach my hand for hers. Loosely lacing our fingers, making her smile up at me. I give her a weak smile, not sure what else I have to give.

"It's ok. You're gonna be here, my favorite Carlin, and that's all that matters."

I quirk an eyebrow.

"Favorite, eh?"

"Well," She laughs lightly. "I would say Paula, but she's been kinda creepy about the Club's new pool these days so..."

"I know!"

"Seriously, Spence, _who_ is she sleeping with over there?"

With wide eyes, we smile at each other from our mutual discovery, before we fall into fits of giggles. Hunched over and breathless, we laugh until it's over nothing. Until we're laughing because the other one hasn't stopped yet, and that in itself is reason enough. Suddenly, through her laughter, she tries to tell me something, and even though her voice is lost in her chuckles, I'm not.

No, through those gorgeous and open eyes, I understand every word.


	3. The Sound of Settling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots  
> that my tongue is tied off  
> my brain's repeating if you've got an impulse, let it out  
> but they never make it past my mouth

One last tank top tossed from my closet, and I fall to my knees, blowing a million strands of hair from my face at the same time.

"Are you seriously still looking for something to wear?"

Madison's voice barrels from the hallway straight to my frustrated ears inside the closet.

"Yes!" I exasperate.

I hear her pad her way over my clothes covered floor, "Are we or are we not just going to Aiden's birthday party, I mean there isn't some Fergie-Glamor-iscious stop along the way, right?"

She finally makes her way to my pouting grounds (the closet, naturally) and spreads her arms to either side of the open doorway, a healthy mixture of annoyance, humor, and pity written across her face.

"No. No, we're going straight to Ashley's."

I hang my head low, sighing in defeat over my serious melodramatic misfortune. I feel her eyes looking down on me with some amusement, before she sighs to herself.

"You are so high maintenance, I mean I thought I was pretty bad, but you..." I finally look up to her chuckling face, finding one stern finger pointed straight at me, "...You, Spencer Carlin, take the maintenance cake."

"Ha. Maintenance cake. Good one, Duarte. So witty, you are." I tilt my head all the way back, eyes shutting with the biggest, fakest smile ever.

She laughs lightly as I feel her reach above me.

"Here..." a black off the shoulder long sleeved shirt drops onto my pitiful lap. "This paired with those jeans and we just might get you laid tonight."

She winks and I blush, immediately thinking of the one person I want to lay more than any bag of chips.

"Look at you, you're so thinking of someone right now! Tell me, Carlin, who's got you all flustered and taking five hours to get ready?"

Oh. Crap. Sarcastic deflection tactics here we come!

"Aiden, obviously, I'm thinking tonight's the night. After ten years, it's high time I gave that ride another whirl, I mean this girl's learned some new tricks in her old age, he won't even know what hit 'em!"

I quickly stand and turn away from her, hiding my on-fire-face while throwing on her selected garment.

"Bull. Shit." She gives me her best Matthew Mcconaughey impression, while I fiddle around with my shirt "...your sarcasm deflections don't work with me, Missy, now spill it."

She's right. If there's anyone who reads me better than Ashley, it's Madison. But that's not all that surprising. I suppose being best friends with someone since basically birth does that to a relationship.

Yeah, we practically share a brain.

"I'm waiting." She orders from behind me, and I know she's wearing a shit-eating grin on her face for being right.

Deep breath. You can do this Spencer. All you have to do is lie to your best friend and build Rome in a day.

"Mads, there's no one..." I stop fidgeting, turning my head to the side, giving her my profile "...really, absolutely no one, and I'd totally tell you if there were."

She's silent for a moment.

"Uh huh. Sure. Whatever you say."

Finally fully turning around, I begrudgingly leave the safe haven of my closet and make my way towards her.

"You are such a nudge, you know that?"

"Yup, damn proud of it, and some day soon I will nudge it out of you."

"That's gonna be pretty impossible, considering the little fact that there's NO one to nudge out of me."

"You're so hopeless. Hot and adorable, but hopeless none-the-less. Now if you just tell me who, we can give you hope and make it happen. So, come on, fill me in girl!"

I shake my head at her, before a smile creeps over my lips, an idea popping into my head. Slowly, I saunter her way, knowing she'll never give up unless I give her reason to.

"Actually...there is someone."

"Yeah?" Her eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

"Yeah. I've been doing some thinking, and I can't believe I'm going to tell you this, but I just can't keep it in any longer..."

"Oh Spence, it's gonna be ok, we'll figure it out."

Her weird, but genuine, concern doesn't strike anything in me but a sliver of guilt for what I'm about to do, but then again, I need this conversation to end, so really...I don't feel all that bad.

"Ok..." I sigh, seriously "...Madison, I think it's time that we, you and me, well I think it's time we took our friendship to the next level."

She's shaking her head in such disappointment, but is still biting her lip to keep from laughing.

I twirl my foot to the side with an innocent, shy, smile, "So what do you say?"

She stands, scoffing through her laughter, "You are unbelievable."

"Oh baby, you have no idea."

"Shut up, ass, and just get ready. We're leaving in twenty minutes, not a minute later. And believe me Spence...I'm going to remember this. When you come to me, asking and pleading for help, I'm going to remember this time when you so rudely rejected it."

She's only half serious as she leaves the room, and I feel a pit form in the bottom of my stomach. Thinking over her words, thinking over their meaning and intention, I'm feeling slightly queasy.

Wait a minute...does she...does she know? Was that her way of giving me an out? Was she really just trying to actually help me?

The pit only grows, and as I stand in the middle of my disheveled room, I can only remember the last time I felt a similar pit.

 

_********_

 

O'Neill's is packed and dim with a smoky cloud hanging above every tipsy head even though smoking isn't even allowed inside this place. Glen swaggers his way back to our corner booth, drinks overflowing from his hands. He smiles in that little big brother way, that'll never grow old no matter how old he grows.

"Guinness for my baby Sis, touche by the way, I'm impressed."

"Yeah, well, since someone was in such a girlish rush, I now have to drink my dinner tonight."

I take a long sip, glaring at his smirk, while he hands out the rest of the drinks to our group; Clay, Chelsea, Aiden, Madison, and Jack (Madison's boyfriend).

"So when's this broad gonna show up, huh?"

Glen drops down in his seat, throwing his arm around both the back of the booth and Madison (who totally just rolled her eyes, giving me reason #3829734 why I love her so freakin' much).

"She does have a name, you know?" I ask, somewhat annoyed, and not just because of his blatant rudeness. No, I'm definitely not thrilled with having to introduce Ashley to Glen. However, I was the one who made this concrete bed, so I guess I'm just going to have to carve me a place to sleep in it.

"Yeah, Ashley, does have a hot name to go along with her hot body."

Aiden is such a perv, why did I invite him again? Actually, why do I even keep him around in the first place?

"So you better respect, Man."

Ahh yes, that's why. Because even through his perviness, he can still be a gentlemen...well kind of. He, at least, tries...well, sometimes. Oh, whatever, there is a reason, and I will remember it some day.

"Yeah, yeah. Why aren't you going for her then?" Glen throws back, and I just drink more. Oh please, let's not go where this is heading.

"Because I'm...Actually, I'm not really sure."

Aiden's starting to think about it, like really think about, and knowing how rare that is, I need to stop it.

"You know something, I'm so over boys fighting over girls, really it's so high school, and I don't care to go back there, so let's move on." Madison effortlessly squashes that conversation, and turning towards Aiden, asks with the enthusiasm of a house plant, " How's the team doing this year?"

Mentally hugging Madison, and not really caring enough to hear about Shaker Highs Basketball team, I slide out from the table. Making my way for the bar, not even sure why, but knowing I need a break from that oppressive table – full of my family and closest friends.

Sliding my frosty glass on the dark oak of the bar, I lean over it, with the weight of the world on my elbows.

Yup. Tonight is gonna suck.

"Hey you."

A soft voice somehow flutters inside me, and before I know it I feel Ashley pressed against me. With it being a Friday night and O'Neill's being a hot spot, she naturally has to squeeze impossibly close to me, to get a spot at the bar. I nervously glance towards her, seeing enough of her to know she's barely wearing anything, and feeling enough of me drool inside to know I appreciate it.

"Hey."

She warmly smiles at me, a soft hand moving to silently sit on the small of my back, as she quickly glimpses at the bartender (not even five seconds at this packed bar, and she already has his attention)

"Kettle on the rocks."

Taking a line from my brother, I nod her way, "Impressive."

"Well..." She looks me straight in the eye "...maybe I'm trying to impress tonight."

Gulp.

"Um..."

"You look great, by the way."

She shyly smiles, looking down at the non existent space between us, and I have no words. No, really, I have none, and the smirk she's wearing suggests that maybe she knows it. Suggests that maybe she's enjoying it.

"So...tonight's gonna be fun, yeah?"

Her lips show a different smile from the smirk. This one's innocent and somewhat vulnerable, and it finally allows me to find words again.

"Yeah. It is."

Her drink has been delivered to the bar, but she doesn't move to take it. The bartender shouts her total while walking away, but she doesn't move to pay it. No, neither of us are moving to do anything.

Both of us are perfectly content. Perfectly happy remaining right where we are. Tightly pressed together. Smiling goofy smiles meant for one another.

"So that's the big NBA star, eh?"

Huh?

She nods behind me, "Your brother?"

Oh, right.

"Oh..." my smile fades, as I glance over my shoulder, watching Glen tell some lame-ass story to a table of rolling eyes "...yeah, that's him."

Sigh, yup, sucky night here we come.

"Guess we should join them, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess-"

"Or, we could just chug our drinks and make a mad dash for the door, you know, leave before anyone notices."

Now, _that_ has my attention, as I snap my smiling face forward again. She seems giddy, and I know I seem it too (because I am), and suddenly all I can do is giggle like I've never been higher and in a way, I never have.

"Oh see now I think that idea has 'good time' written all over –"

"Baby Sis! Stop hogging the total babe and get over here!"

Dammit, Glen.

"Wow, Spence, you didn't tell me your brother was so chivalrous."

She smirks, and I cringe.

"Oh yeah, he's a big time gentlemen."

We remain where we are, for a brief moment, before she sighs. "Guess it's too late to act on Plan B, huh?"

"Yeah...too late" I practically whisper.

I'm sad. No, I'm pretty much sulking, and I don't even care if she notices. Because part of me believes she is too.

"Well..." She pushes off the bar, which only pushes her further into me, and suddenly I can't breathe cause she's leaning and whispering so softly right inside my ear "...we'll just have to pick up on it some other time, then."

Pulling away, with one big questionable smile, she walks away, leaving the gulping mess I've become behind. Slowly, I turn around, watching her stride towards our table, confidence and ease oozing off her every step.

It doesn't take a genius to see that Glen's very happy with who I've set him up with. And it doesn't take a genius to see I'm so not happy about who I've set him up with.

No, it doesn't take a genius to know that only a moron would set up this whole ordeal. And through a bitter laugh, I have to chug my cake of a beer, swiftly ordering a shot of Patron once I'm done.

Because, I'm smart enough to know that moron is me.

 

_********_

 

"Spencer! If you're not out of that room in 5 seconds, I'm coming in there, and I promise you, it won't be pretty."

Blinking rapidly, I find myself back in the middle of my messy room, right back in the middle of "now." Grunting, I roll my eyes towards no one, and huff-n-puff my way out into the hallway; finding a cross-armed, foot tapping, Madison.

"Jesus H Christ Maddy! How much Maintenance Cake did you eat tonight?"

Even I want to snort at my own wittiness, but something tells me it'd be inappropriate.

She's holding her unamused face further away from her body, the words "excuse me" written everywhere, while her eyes squint daggers into me, and I feel the guilt over my rude attitude. I mean it's not her fault my own foolish memories have gotten me so riled up.

She's been silent for way too long, and yeah, it's time I did some apologizing.

"I'm sorry, Mads, I don't know why I'm being so grumpy."

This seems to have done the trick, cause her face cracks into the hugest smile.

"Oh I know why; you need to get laid."

Before I can say a single thing, she's already turned around, walking to our front door like she owns it (which she does, but just go with it.)

"And if you'd just tell me who you want to get it by already, we could take care of it."

I can practically hear her know-it-all smirk as she opens and walks out the door, leaving me behind. Leaving me to sigh and whisper to no one but my lonely self.

"If only it were that easy."

Before I can self deprecate any longer, Madison hollers for me to "hurry the hell up." With one last sigh, I waste no time in following her out the door, bracing myself for one long evening with all I love and all I can't have.

But, somehow, I manage a small smile, because I finally remember that tonight I get Ashley all to myself. And, really, isn't that what I've always wanted in the first place?

Yeah, it is.

And suddenly, just like that, the pit at the bottom of my stomach dissolves away. The smile on my face taking its place, only growing bigger with every step I make, bringing me closer and closer to the girl of my dreams.

Also known as my brothers wife.


	4. Your Heart Is An Empty Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spring blooms and you find a love that's true  
> but you don't know what now to do  
> cause the chase is all you know  
> and she stopped running months ago

If I had to pinpoint the very first time I lost Ashley, the actual first time, it would be this memory. This very one. If I could go back through what feels like the endless line of my life and do one moment over, remix and edit until every detail matches what my mind has conjured up over the past couple of years, this would be it.  
  
But you can't change the past and you can't fix the things you've done wrong.  
  
All you can do is live with it. Try to move on from it.  
  
And if you can't do that, you confess it. You purge your past  to anyone listening.

 

**********

 

"Wait, you were a photographer for _PIC_ magazine?"

Ashley nearly drops her fork, and as I nod yes, I can't help feeling proud of my old job.

"Bitch."

"Hey."

I try looking offended, but I can't, not with her smirking at me in that way. No, I could never look anything but thrilled when she looks at me that way, so instead I break into laughter, not able to hold it in anymore. She starts laughing too, and something tells me it's because she hears me doing the same. Because she likes how we sound laughing together.

It's been a week since Ashley met up with us at O'Neills (aka the most torturous night ever). Glen and Ashley were cordial, sharing laughs and innocent touches, always initiated by Glen. Even that was hard for me to stomach, and I probably would've called it an early night, leaving them to fall in love without me having to watch, but something prevented me from leaving. Something in the form of Ashleys eyes and subtle touches with me.

She may have gone to meet Glen, but she stayed to hang out with me. I may be clueless sometimes, but I'm not dense, and that is a fact I'm sure of. I mean, why else would she jump at the chance to be alone with me whenever the possibility arose? Why did she follow me to the bathroom every time I went, lamely but adorably saying it's because we were "Loo Buds"?

And why did her eyes remain on me whenever she told a story? A table full of eyes, and she kept hers right with mine the whole time. Telling _me_  a separate story from what she told the table.

I'm not really sure whether they [Glen and Ashley hit it off or not, but I am sure that we [me and Ashley really did. Which is why we're here now, having dinner together inside her small, but perfect apartment.

"So what's your beef with _PIC_ , hmm?"

I smile cheekily, realizing that when it's just me and her, I'm different. We both are. It's like we're finally ourselves, or something. I've never felt that way with someone, and if I weren't having so much fun, I'd probably freak out.

But the truth is, it's only a matter of time before I freak out. Because I know there's something developing here. Something that scares me in a way I can't put my finger on.

"Oh well my old band, The Drumsticks, tried to get you guys to cover a story on us for like ever. But we were always stupidly turned down."

I nearly cough on my beer, "The Drumsticks?"

"Yup. Why you remember us?" She has her own cheeky grin, and I wish I could say I do remember, but I don't.

With a teasing scoff, I lean back in my chair, arms crossing, "Well, Ash, with a _lame_ name like The Drumsticks, is it really any wonder we turned you down?"

Her mouth opens in a surprised gasp, the first time I've ever really teased her, her first glimps at my sarcasm, before she smiles.

"Wow, low blow Spence..." holding a hand to her heart, she laughs, "...low blow."

She smirks around her drink, and I feel something flutter inside my stomach for the 2,387th time tonight. I'm in trouble. I'm in so much trouble, because I know I'm getting myself into something I'm not ready for.

No, I'm not just getting into this, I'm already very much inside _this_...whatever it is..and, yeah, I'm definitely not ready.

I've finally gotten to know Ashley Davies, tonight. Through the smidgiest bits of information she's divulged, I feel like I know her. Born and raised in downtown Cleveland (the bad parts), she grew up fast, living with only her mother. Money was always tight, her mother literally saved their lives by working three jobs, and that's all she shared about her childhood (so different from my own). But that was ok with me, that was fine by me, because I felt special just to hear it. For hearing something that sounded like no one else had ever heard.

No one but me.

She loves music, and loves it in a "crazy, obsessed way." With no boundaries, or segregation. Seriously, she is the Rosa Parks of music, leaving no artist behind to ride at the back of the bus. Glancing over her CD collection proves this; Kendrick Lamar, Led Zeppelin, Laura Nyro, Real Estate, Bananarama, Pearl Jam, Temptations, Spice Girls. The list could go on forever, cause the CDs certainly do. And really, who still buys those things?

Well Ashley does. Yes, she's a rare kind these days and I like it.

She's also talented and I love that even more. She can play the drums, guitar, piano, violin, and she can sing. She studied music at a community college (that she's still paying for, might always be paying for) and aspires to pursue a career there, inside music, in whatever way she can.

Which has me curious as to what she's doing here, but when I asked, she merely shrugged, giving me a simple answer, "Just felt time, you know, time for a change in scenery."

That was it. My 101 crash course in Ashley Davies, and I have to say, I'm happy I signed up. No, I'm positively thrilled I was even accepted.

We finished the delicious meal she cooked a little while ago, and neither one of us have made any signs of moving anytime soon. No, we both seem so content to just sit right here all night, drinking our drinks, and telling our tales.

But something in the air just changed. Something just shifted.

"So your brother called today."

And there it is. That's why things are different, because suddenly, she's different. She seems strange, now. Almost like she's putting it out there just to see how it's received. Like she's winding up and pitching me a ball just to see if I'll actually hit it.

Just to see if I even can.

"Oh?"

I try sounding nonchalant, cause Lord knows I'm beyond interested and, weirdly, definitely not interested at the same time.

"Yup."

Those dark eyes stare straight through mine, and I have to look away, I have to peel at my beer bottle label. I have to laugh and turn on the sarcasm; my tension reliever since 1980.

"Wow, finally, we were starting to think he'd never learn how to use that damn thing. But I guess Glen can make phone calls all on his own now, so, yay, good for him!"

She smiles, but it's in a very "I'm serious" kind of way, and I waste no time in following her silent command.

"Ok, so he called. What did he want?"

But I already know very well what he wants.

"Well..." she's tentative, she's ready to throw that curve ball that I can't handle and something tells me, she knows it. "He wants to go out again this weekend." A deep breath, "With just me."

"Oh." I can't hide the defeat (for a reason I'm still so unsure of) in my voice this time, but I quickly recover, "...that's cool."

"Is it?" She seems disbelieving, and I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable.

What's going on here? Why is she looking at me like that, and why do I feel like I'm on fire?

"I mean, that's what you wanted, right?"

Please say no. Wait...why? Why do I need her to say no? I mean really, why does her dating Glen, hell anyone, why is it bothering me? No, why is it eating at me?

"I don't know..." I see something in her I've never seen before – hesitant fear. And I know she's about to get honest with me, I know she's about to slowly start stripping herself, "...it feels kind of weird. Like, I'm wrong or something. Like it's wrong to do to you. That I have to talk to you about it, you know, run it by you first."

Oh, so that's whats going on here: Pity. And if there's anything I hate more than Ryan Seacrest, it's a pity party.

My wounded pride shows, as I reply in a somewhat offended tone. "That's stupid, Ash, you should do what you want, don't worry about me."

"Oh no, no..." Her words are leaving her lips fast, so fast, that it makes me even more nervous "...I'm not worried about you. No, that's not what I meant. I just..." There's that fear again, there's that deep breath, and this time it feels like she's gonna strip away everything, leaving her completely bare before me "...I just don't know if he's what I want. I don't know if that's what I want. Don't get me wrong, aside from being a jackass, your brother's nice."

She smiles, and even though I feel like I'm going to explode from a bomb made of fear and confusion, I smile too. I can't help it; not when she's looking at me like that.

"But I think," now her eyes are nowhere but on mine, searching, reaffirming. There's no fear in those eyes and there's only relief as she practically whispers, "no, I know, I could have something better, something more real, with someone else."

Oh God. That internal bomb just blew up and it's shattered me. I'm terrified. I'm sweating. I'm drinking gulp after gulp of what little beer I have left, and I'm jumping from the table, quickly retrieving another one.

Is she talking about me? Does she want...something...with me?

"Spence?"

Sitting back down, looking at her through the bottle sitting between my lips, I widen my eyes. "Yeah?"

But it's lost in my swallows, and she looks sad. So sad.

"You ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." I've always been good at lying, and this time is no exception, except this time, someone reads through them. This time, she sees everything I hide, and it scares me shitless.

Yes, I am scared shitless, cause I'm starting to see where this is going. I'm starting to understand what's had me lost, flustered, excited, confused, and frightened.

"Spencer, come on, you're not fine, you're practically eating your bottles over there, and you won't even look at me." She pauses, reaching across the table to hold my trembling hand, and I know she feels just how shaky it is, cause she actually stills it between hers, "Hey, look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I mean, is that what's wrong? Was it something I said?"

"No." I say, quietly, truthfully, feeling like I have to because she's holding me. "No, it wasn't anything you said."

It's the truth, but it's still a lie, cause it's exactly what she's said that has me acting like this. However she doesn't seem to realize it as she softly smiles. "Ok, then what is it?"

Her thumb strokes over my skin, so softly, so so softly, and that's it. That's what it is.

She's what's wrong. This is what's wrong. This is not an innocent crush. This is something I still can't, and don't want to, put my finger on.

Because if I do, then that means...that might mean I'm gay.

And I can NOT get into that. I just can't. That means everything I've thought about my life, everything I've thought about me, isn't true. Nothing is as it was. And I can't break that. Because, as I've said, I'm the girl who doesn't break routine. I'm the girl who sets her desired path, and sticks to it, no matter what other forks tempt her along the way.

And this fork, this girl before me, she is so tempting. Too tempting. And I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready for her road.

"Spence?" I break from my thoughts, realizing at some point I removed my hand from hers, leaving me colder than I was before. She looks so insecure. She looks so out of her element, and it hurts me, cause I know I've thrown her inside that unsure place, "...What's wrong?"

She's staring right inside me from across her small kitchen table. She's looking straight through me, and we've never been closer. In this moment, we see everything. We see everything we want. We read every word we're not saying.

I can't let her see that far inside me, anymore. I can't let her see what I hide. I can't let her see me being...gay. I can't let her see that word, the one I hide so well. The one word I don't want to spell. Cause that word changes my whole freaking life.

I'm just not ready for that, and what's even sadder; I don't think I'll ever be ready.

And that's why I muster up the saddest smile in sad history as I look into her open and honest eyes. That's why I have to speak in the smallest voice I have, hoping with the tiniest sliver of hope that she'll still see the truth inside these lies I'm about to tell.

"I think...I think you should call my brother."

"Spence..." She's not ready to let me take this road. She's still trying to give me strength. She's still reaching her hand across the table to keep me warm, and I'm still shutting her out. I'm shutting her right out, leaving us both with nothing but the freezing cold.

"No, really, you should. I mean, you'll never know what could be real if you don't try, right?"

I say these hypocritical words, genuinely. These words that I should listen to. My own advice I should be taking. But I'm not. Because I'm too much of a coward. Because I don't have the balls.

Because she should have had pity earlier. She _so_ should have.

I can feel the disappointment dripping from her, leaking all over this table, and filling every empty space inside me, as she just looks. She looks for a beat longer, one more beat, as if she were waiting. Waiting for me to change my mind. Waiting for me to say something else. For me to say the real words. The words she sees inside of me.

The words she wished I would have said.

But I'm not, and that one more beat is up. That one last hopeful breath has been breathed. And she sighs. She sighs in a way like she's giving up. And I'm colder than I've ever been.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Through the smallness of her voice, through the sadness of her eyes, she still manages to wear a tiny Ashley smile, telling me it's ok. Telling me we're still ok.

And I'd believe her, I mean I should believe her. But it's her eyes that mislead me, cause those eyes are once again telling me a separate story.

Because it's one only I can read.

"So..." one heavy sigh, and a deep swig of a vodka tonic, "...I guess I'm going out with your brother again."

"Yeah..." one regretful sigh, and a half-a-bottle swallow of beer "...Guess so."

With the excitement held for her yearly physical, she breathes out "Awesome."

And as I sadly glance down on the dinner she's made us, I look like I'm in the middle of one.

"Yeah. Awesome."


	5. The Ice Is Getting Thinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're not the same, dear, as we used to be  
> the seasons have changed and so have we  
> there was little we could say, and even less that we could do  
> to stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you

For close to two years I've been on a strict Ashley diet. Stricter than strict. I've been so good; maintaining those high calorie hug intakes, and sticking to healthy hand holding portion control. It's almost amazing how well I've done. Until now. Until the past couple of months came along, and I've slipped. I've been binging and midnight snacking, letting those lingering looks linger a beat too long. Letting those soft fingertips brush over my skin one too many times.

I can feel myself responding to the change. My body's filling with Ashley's love and touch. It's not good. I'm getting too used to it. I'm loving it too much. And soon, I know I'm just going to gain all the weight back, punting me all the way back to those months when I first met her. When all I could do was think of her in ways I absolutely couldn't. But the sad thing is, those were the months I absolutely could think of her that way. Those were the months I could have done something. Yup, those were the months I was thinner than I've ever been, completely capable and more than ready for her to fill me up inside. More than ready for her to wrap around my bones, and saturate my heart. Those were the months of indulgence. Those were the months of whipped cream and second helpings. Those were the months I never needed to diet, but those were the months I stupidly believed I needed to more than anything.

And today, tonight, I'm entering the overwhelming stages of eater's remorse; of Ashley remorse. Looking back on all the cakes and kisses I could have had, that I never tried out of fear. Out of insecurity.

Out of stupidity.

Yeah, those early months are my lost chance and I've been paying for it ever since. Except for recently. Recently where I've started to forget rules and morals. Counting calories and grams of fat. I've thrown it all out the window and am now unfairly taking what I've already so regretfully given up. And somewhere between Madisons Audi and Ashley's front door, I've realized it. I've realized it all too clearly.

I have to stop.

Because that smile is now gone, and the pit is back. But it's back as a boulder and it's weighing me down, so far down, that if I don't get rid of it soon, I'll never breathe again.

So as I stand before the door to their mansion (I guess Glens glorious Cavalier bench warming position does pay off), I take the last tied down breath I have in me. I hold it in so tight, and push through that heavy wooden door, breathing it all out. I breathe it all out hoping to relieve the tension. But as I walk through their beautiful and empty house (feeling like its own breathing metaphor) I only feel more afraid. More afraid than I can ever remember, solely because I'm not really sure what I'm more afraid of. With all these thoughts running through my mind, I don't know what scares me more; seeing Ashley, or never seeing her again. And for some reason, that ridiculous outlandish latter possibility feels more than that.

That frightening latter possibility feels more like an impending reality.

And that's what has me shaking as I make my way through this eerily quiet house, alone. Madison is so far behind me, still in her car, fighting with Jack over something probably so trivial that just laughter is a simple fix. With a love like theirs, no problem is unsolvable. No fight is unfixable.

And it makes me feel even more alone. 

I step through the echoing kitchen, hearing all the muffled laughter, music, and shouting coming from behind the clear sliding glass door before me. I stop and stare outside it, looking through the sea of familiar and unfamiliar faces; knowing that no matter how bad I feel or what I'm going through, there's always going to be that one all too familiar face I'm always going to want to see.

"There you are.."

And then I see it. I see her, just off to the side, leaning against the counter in this dimly lit kitchen, casually sipping a cool cocktail in her hand. It may be dark in here, but I can see her eyes, and in them I see something I haven't seen in a long time. I see intent. I see purpose. And I as try saying "hi" back, it merely comes out as a choked whisper. My voice lost somewhere deep in my throat, because I know her directions destination. I know her intent, her purpose, her goal.

I know her sights are set on me. I just don't know what her sights entail anymore. I'm so lost, I don't know what either of our intentions are anymore.

Movements so slow and drawn out, she strolls towards me; the air crackling and sparking with a tension I haven't felt in so long. And as she nears me, with lidded eyes, and a lazy smile, I know she's been drinking. I know she's been drinking a lot.

Her lips tug in a warm smile, before she wraps her arms around my neck, holding my ever stiffening body close to hers. So close. So teasingly, deliciously close. My heart thumps wildly inside my tight chest, and I hope to God she doesn't feel it.

"Where've you been?" It's the sweetest, softest whisper against my neck, and when she breathes "I've missed you," further across my skin, easily singing it, I have to pull away. I have to step back, and look down, feeling more guilty than I ever have before. Feeling so full of indulgence, I might vomit.

"Yeah, sorry, Madison was fighting with Jack."

"Oh well what else is new, right?" She giggles a giggle sprinkled in sadness, cause she sees right through me. Cause she sees through my lies as clear as the glass in her hand.

Cause she sees me pulling away, once again, and I know it's starting to more than get to her.

The air becomes so quiet with my lack of a response. Quieter than it's ever been between us. I can't keep my head up, because this is not how this night was supposed to start, and it's all my fault.

But it's just getting too hard. All of this, her, me, everything between us. Everything not between us. Everything that's festering inside me and having to keep it there.

And right now, with her so close, I don't know how much longer I can do it.

"Hey, you." Her hands gently, carefully, cup my face, slowly pulling my eyes back to hers. She gives me a weak smile, and it only makes this all the more heartbreaking because it only makes it all the more real. Because I can't even muster a smile back. "...hey, Jelly, what's wrong?"

_Jelly_. One half of our synonymous Peanut Butter and Jelly nicknames. The names we use when we're serious. When she's serious. And this is one of those times. This is her comforting voice. This is her concerned voice. And the one thing I know is I can't hear it tonight. Cause that voice always draws the worry out of me. That voice, that name, always unravels me, unwinds me, stringing out the truths I bury so well, so deep. And those can't be unburied. Not here and not tonight. So, I have to pull it together. I have to put on a smile. And I don't even worry if I can, because I know I can do this. I know I can because I have to.

Because, sadly, I have no other choice, and it's time I realized it.

"Nothing..." She's about to protest, but I shake my head, and as if it were a light switch turning her off, she stops, letting me continue, "...I'm fine, really I swear, I just need to get a drink."

She's about to open her mouth again, but I stop her "Please, Ash..." I'm actually pleading now, hardly able to meet her eyes "...please, just believe me, ok? Believe me and come with me to get a drink?"

She looks at me for what seems an eternity, before she solemnly smiles, nodding with a quiet "Ok."

Either too drunk, or too afraid, she lets it go. But I know she hasn't thrown it away. She's holding onto it, all of it so far inside her. Like the fullest hoarder, she holds all my mistakes. And I'm only starting to glimpse at the burden she wears because of it.

But I can't keep thinking about that. Not now. Not tonight. For now, I have to move on. For now, I'm ok. For now, I resisted temptation. I resisted dessert, and I feel light again. I feel safe and I breathe a fat sigh of relief because of it. I let that boulder disintegrate deep in my stomach as we start walking towards outside.

But as we push past those sliding doors, I feel so cold again. I feel so lonely with her right beside me, never farther away. Once again I'm tempted, and when she tentatively takes my hand in hers, I don't hesitate in slowly divulging myself. I don't hesitate in reassuringly grabbing her hand.

Tightly lacing my fingers with hers.  
  
\------

Two hours later, this party's moved inside, and I've kept myself right here on this couch. For the past hour, I've reserved myself on this right side cushion. Relaxing. Hiding. Drinking.

Completely miserable.

Madison never showed up, and while I don't know where she is, I'm sure she's over at Jack's. Either way she's not here. I haven't seen waste-case Aiden in forever, but judging from the last time I saw his droopy eyes, it's questionable if he's even still alive. But I don't really care about that either.

No I'm miserable because of her. Because she hasn't talked to me since the kitchen. Because she hasn't even tried.

I've tried meeting eyes with her, I've tried maintaining our silent conversation, cause I can't help myself. But she's shut me out. She won't even meet my eyes, making my attempts at explaining things with them fruitless. Nope, she's shut me out so tight, with not even a crack or window to peek through.

And now I know how she feels. Now I know what my own medicine tastes like, and boy is it bitter.

She's across the room from me, talking to some guy like she's never had a more thrilling conversation in her life. But I know the truth, I know the thrill's in having me watch her not watching me. She's getting off on getting me down, and it's making me even more sad.

Suddenly, the couch dips, a sloppy Aiden practically falling on top of me, resting his heavy head on my shoulder. And I'm so lonely, I practically jump with excitement because of it.

"How ya feel in', birthday boy?"

"Spencer." He pauses as if he's about to let me in on some huge revelation, before he loudly whispers in a voice ten octaves higher than his own, "...I ammmm taaaaanked."

The familiarity and affection of Aiden makes the grand canyon void inside me fill up just the tiniest bit. A appreciative smile forming on my heavy lips, I pat his head in a motherly way.

"That you are, that you are."

"Yup."

I can't help but chuckle at his childlike ways, as he shifts a little more, clearly getting comfortable. I look out past the crowd, not even realizing I'm doing it, until I find Ashley. And it strikes me, cause this time she _is_ watching, and something tells me she's more upset than she was before.

I try to give her a little wave and a hopeful smile, but she turns away before I even get the chance.

"Spence?"

His voice is small, maybe even adorable, but I'm so caught up in that familiar face that now feels so unfamiliar, I'm barely listening as I vaguely ask, "Yeah, buddy?"

Realizing it's creepy, and probably more infuriating, if I keep staring, I let Ashley's avoiding attention go. Finally giving it to the-five-seconds-from-a-passed-out Aiden.

"I know I've been saying this since high school, but..." he takes a moment to breathe, clearly it's at that point in the night where both speaking and breathing at the same time is a challenge.

"What's that, Aid?"

"Your brother...your brother is such an ass." He finishes with a snort, that falls somewhere between amusement and disgust. I'm not sure where here's going with this, but I decide to take the funny high road.

"You're right, you have been saying that since high school."

I laugh, pleased with my own wit, but he doesn't laugh. Nope, he's about to get into this, I can already tell.

"No, but I'm serious..." He pushes his body off mine, shaking the couch in an attempt to sit upright, "...I'm serious, Spencer, he's like... a real ass, like not even a likable one."

"Yeah."

I'm not really quite sure what to say, because he is my brother. Because he's my brother, but beyond that, Aiden's right. He is my brother, and he is a real ass.

"I meeeean..." Aiden draws out the word (clearly trying to gain more time to figure out just what exactly he means) "...I mean, look at all this, Spencer..." Aiden's hands clumsily shoot to either side, one grazing my boob, but somehow he doesn't even notice, he's so worked up, "...I mean, look at her, Spencer." Now he's pointing both hands straight at Ashley, and I'm not sure I want to look there. I'm not sure I can anymore.

But Aiden has other intentions, as his hand whacks my arm/boob again, I realize he needs me to look. So I do, this time with no hesitation, and I find her by herself, leaning against the wall on one slumped shoulder; looking like the loneliest girl in the world.

"Ok, Aid..." I continue, softly "...I'm looking."

"Good. Now listen to me." And I'm going to, no matter how slurred and slow Aidens words are, he's got my attention.

"...Your brother, that asshole, he's got the world, you know, he's got everything a person could want, and I don't just mean the money stuff. I mean he has what some people can't buy. But he doesn't deserve it, and what's worse, he doesn't even want it. Because if he did...if he did, he'd be here. He'd be here with her. He's such an ass, man, he's just..." He shakes his head, losing himself in his own thoughts.

He's quiet for a moment, until he turns his eyes from me to Ashley, and suddenly I'm right with him. Suddenly every slurred word he's said is crystal clear. Every incoherent thought he's expressed is more coherent than anything he's ever said.

"Look at that gorgeous girl, Spence, I mean really look at her. She's freakin' amazing..." one deep, defeated breath "...and she's miserable. She's so miserable."

The word makes me search for her again. The word shoots through my heart. Because as I find her, talking to no one, slowly sipping her drink, I know it's completely accurate. I know it's painfully accurate. I know every one of Aiden's words are right. Glen is an asshole. Ashley isn't happy. And all I feel is more guilt, cause suddenly it all feels so much like my fault.

We both sit there, mulling over his words, until his head flops down into my lap, smiling eyes closing as he let's out a breezy laugh. I guess we're over the heavy conversation, cause he keeps laughing more and more. And I'm actually thankful, I'm actually laughing with him, because where ever we were just heading, I shouldn't be going. Not tonight, not on this already overwhelming night. So I let it go.

But I don't throw it away.

"This was a great birthday, Spencer. Thank you."

I warmly, and somewhat pitifully, smile down on him.

"Hey now, it's not over yet."

"Oh yeah, it's not over till you and me are watching the sun rise together, right?" Oh brother, are we really about to go down memory lane? "Remember those days, Spence?"

I roll my eyes, but it's sincere, because I do remember those days, and they'll always mean something special to me.

"Of course I do."

"Good." He punctuates his satisfaction with a nod, before he abruptly and clumsily sits up from my lap. Facing me with eyes that are trying so hard to open wide, but can only manage half mast, he exclaims "...now let's do a shot!"

Laughter spills from me, as I tap his nose. "You, my friend, are a mess."

Lips drawing into a goofy grin, he practically slurs, "A messy mess."

"The messiest messy mess."

We both seem content with the title, as it becomes silent, and I know we're about to have a moment.

"I love ya, Spence."

I sigh in faux-indignance, before I warmly smile right back at him.

"Yeah. I guess I love you too...even if you can be the world's biggest perv.'

"You know you love it."

We both laugh and look at each other a moment longer. Just enjoying each others company, just enjoying our history and our present. Loving how easily everything still comes.

And then I'm not there anymore. I'm not on that couch. I've been ripped from it, and I'm being pulled through groups and groups of people. A tight, angry hand holding mine, but even inside its blatant fury, all I feel is her soft comforting touch.

We barrel up the stairs, two at a time, running right inside her bedroom's bathroom. I'm practically pushed into the middle of the room, as the door closes behind me. I slowly turn, terrified, as I find a very pissed off Ashley leaning back against the door. Hand holding the handle, as if she's afraid I'll try to leave.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"What?" I'm so caught off guard I try to not sound indignant, but that's exactly how I sound as I ask. And she notices, she notices and it only makes her more mad.

"Seriously, what's going on? Are you..." She swallows hard, twice, and for a moment I think she might vomit "...are you back together with Aiden, is that what's going on?"

Oh. God. And now I feel like I'm going to vomit. It's such a ridiculous notion, that I can't suppress the laughter spilling from my lips.

"Do you think this is funny?"

She is not amused, she's so hurt, that I don't waste any time in reassuring her, "No, Ash, not at all, but seriously Aiden? Where would you ever get that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know, let me see here..." her eyes roll to the ceiling, ready to count off the reasons, like there are so many she needs to catalog them all "...you ignore me and avoid me all night. No, for weeks now. You can barely stand to touch me. And then tonight, just now, I see you two all over each other, laughing and talking and joking. I mean what else should I believe?"

"That we're friends?" I ask in a way that's not a question, it's a fact I'm telling her in a rude way, cause I can't believe she's angry over this. That she could possibly think I'm back together with Aiden.

"Like we used to be." She whispers it so defeated, and it knocks the air out of me.

"Used to be?" I croak.

"Well am I wrong? You keep pushing me away, Spencer. You keep pushing, that I'm afraid one day you'll never find me."

"What?"

I'm feeling lost again, lost inside our conversation. Inside this fight. Inside her anger.

"I mean, what the fuck is going on Spencer? And, seriously save your lies. Please don't insult me anymore with those 'nothing's wrong I'm just tired' excuses ok?" She's so angry, she's so freaking angry, but suddenly, all at once it disappears. Her fury is gone, and she's only sad. She's so sad as she quietly asks, "...please, Spencer, just tell me what's going on. Please."

It breaks my heart, and takes all the left over pieces with it. She's bypassing all that Aiden bullshit, and opening the real issue here. She's finally getting down to everything I've been hiding. And I don't know what to say. I have nothing to say, because all she's asking for is the truth, and that is something I can never give her.

So instead I look at her with wet eyes. Silent, screaming, wet eyes.

"Please."

She whispers, sounding as heartbroken as I feel, and I just stand there. Frozen.

With one nod, she eviscerates me. "Ok, then."

The angers back inside her now, but it's not shouting anymore, it's seething, and it's so much worse than before. It hits so much harder. Because this time it seems so much more final.

And as she turns, walking through that door, slamming it shut behind her. It doesn't just seem final.

It feels it.


	6. Your Bruise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think your bruise was understated,  
> cause you can't feel this anymore  
> it's getting bluer and you can't keep faking  
> that you can't feel this anymore

" _So..."_

" _Buttons."_

" _Spencer, really, when are you gonna understand that that joke is not funny and makes absolutely no sense."_

" _The day you finally understands that it_ does _make sense, and that it_ is _funny."_

_Ashley lets out an adorable laugh, and I smirk, feeling like my work here is done. Rolling onto my back on this softer than soft beach towel, the smirk follows me, as the hot sun spreads across my skin like static._

_This is how it's been for the past couple of months. This is how it's been for Ashley and me. It's so easy, too easy at times. We ebb and flow. We ying and yang. We compliment and contrast._

_Ok, you get the picture, here. We just fit. And it's amazing. I've never had a friendship like this. Hell, I've never had a person in my life like this. A person who I learn so much from, who inspires me. Who weaves through all my threads, and pulls them together, tying them tighter than they've ever been._

_A person who I do the exact same for._

_In all honesty, I never thought this would happen. In all honesty, I feared we'd never find our way towards friendship after dinner that one night at Ashley's. That night where she tried to tell me something I couldn't hear. Where she almost revealed a secret truth buried inside her. Where she almost revealed the same secret truth dwelling inside me._

_But she only managed "almost"._

_And maybe that's why we've ended up here; inside a place I never thought we'd end up. But somehow, we have. Somehow, months later, we've found ourselves on the wide lawn of our favorite park; just soaking in the late spring sun on a lazy Saturday afternoon._

_No complications._

_Ashley sighs a very troubling sigh, and suddenly the sun doesn't feel as warm._

_Yeah, about that complications thing...it's not completely accurate._

" _Anyway..." I can't help but squint one eye her way, finding her fidgeting with her fingers, knowing whatever she's going to say is one of those 'complications'._

" _...has your, uh, brother talked to you?"_

_Ah. Yes. Him. Should have known he'd come up sooner or later. I don't know what the status of their relationship is, all I know is that they basically have one. We hardly ever talk about it. And by hardly, I mean practically never. I'm not sure why. It's kind of like one of those "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" situations. We mesh so well, why bring up something that has the potential to unmesh?_

_Of course, we're too busy appreciating our comfort zones, we don't stop to think about why Glen would shake us from them._

_Well, that's not true._

_I'm not too busy. I think about it. I think about it a lot. But if Ashley isn't going to say anything, then I'm definitely not. Because I'm the one who put us here. Because it's her relationship. Because I don't want to leave our safe bubble either._

_Because I'm perfectly content to live inside it for as long as the air will carry us._

_But judging by Ashley's hesitancy and constant finger picking, I know our little bubble's about to be tested. And I'm not sure I want it to._

" _Yeah, he's talked to me. But if there was an important or meaningful point to the conversation, I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. You know I don't speak his breed of moron."_

_I smile, content with the deflection and jab at my brother. Jabbing him solely because he's connected to Ashley in a way I don't want to define._

" _Spence..." Her tone is so sad and serious, I can already feel the bubble deflating. "...No more jokes."_

" _Ok..." I practically whisper, feeling something plant itself low in my stomach, "...he hasn't talked to me. Was he supposed to?"_

_I can't look at her, but I know she's looking straight at me._

" _No. But I thought I should tell you...I thought you should know he invited me to your family's Sunday dinner tomorrow night."_

_Oh._

" _Oh..." I want so badly to make a joke, I want so badly to hide my pain with my humor, but I can't. There's just not enough wind in my sails for that. There's hardly enough wind for me to merely reply._

" _Spence?"_

_The implications of what this means, has stunned me. Has stunned me into honesty._

" _A Sunday dinner..." It comes out so absent minded, that it's questionable if I'm talking to her, or myself "...wow, he must really like you..." before I even finish saying it, I hear how it must sound to her, and am quick to recover "...I mean, of course he likes you..." I take a deep breath, and suddenly, my voice falls so silent in such beautiful honesty, that I hardly recognize it, "...Of course he really likes you, how could he not? It's_ you. _"_

_She doesn't say anything, and I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but the truth somehow keeps spilling from my lips._

" _I guess...what I mean is..." I squint towards the sun, knowing how bad it is, knowing I shouldn't be doing it, but I do it anyway, "..._ you _must really like_ him _if you're coming to a Sunday dinner."_

_Bingo. That's what has me stunned. That's what has me sinking deep inside the darkness of my heart. That's what just burst my pretty little Spashley bubble._

" _Hey, Spence, look at me."_

_But her soft, comforting, voice pulls me from the darkness. Her words begin the impossible process of patching together our invisible walls. The see through walls of our world. The flimsy walls that keep us safe. And I listen, I don't even blink an eye, as I roll over on my beach towel towards her; Laying on my side, solemn face to her reassuring one._

" _I want you to promise me something, ok?"_

_I only nod, knowing anything I could possibly say would lose itself in the air between us._

" _Ok, I want you to always be honest with me. No matter what we go through. No matter what happens. Please be honest. Don't..." she takes a breath, knowing she's about to hit a sore subject "...don't hide. Don't run away. Don't run away from what you feel."_

_Her eyes scan down between us, as if they're running away from me, and I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know how I feel about any of this, but I stay quiet. I stay quiet and listen. Ready to take in whatever she's gonna give me._

" _I need you to do that for me, k? I need you to, cause..." Finally those eyes lock with mine, but this time, they're smiling "...you're my Jelly."_

_I can't sustain the smile creeping over my lips, as I softly say "You're what now?"_

" _My Jelly." She smiles in a way like it's the most normal thing she's ever said, "...Ok, hear me out, I swear this makes sense...but my mom used to make the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I mean Best, not mediocre, not really good. No we're talking the best, here. Ok?" I give her a quick nod, not needing any more Best pictures drawn for me, "...anyway, she used to make 'em a lot. You know, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And as a kid I was like, 'Awesome, PB & J for dinner!', Great. Cool. Amazing. Because I was nine, and I didn't what what it meant, you know? I didn't understand that I was having PB & J for dinner because there was nothing else to eat. Because we didn't have enough money to buy anything else."_

_She takes a deep breath, and all I want to do is touch her. Hold her._

_But I don't._

" _Anyway, mom would make me these sandwiches, these simple sandwiches, but it was so much more than that. I survived on them. Two pieces of bread with two condiments between them, and it got me through some hard days. So many hard days.  Honestly, it got me through a hard life with a smile on my face."_ _A thoughtful sigh._ " _People underestimate the power of a good peanut butter and jelly."_

_She chuckles, but nothing about what she's saying is lighthearted. No, it's far from it, and I know every word out of her mouth is something I'll treasure for the rest of my life._

" _But to make the perfect PB & J, you gotta have equal amounts of both. As my mom always said, you can't go easy on either. You have to put as much Jelly on one one half, as you did Peanut Butter on the other. Because if one's lacking, if one suffers, so will the other. If one isn't fully there, the other won't taste nearly as good."_

_I'm following her, but I'm not. I don't know how this ties into us, but I'm not going to question it. No, I'm just lying on my side, watching the way her eyes look straight through mine. Reveling in every single second of it._

" _You're my Jelly, Spence. And...and I hope I'm your Peanut Butter. I hope our friendship is that best sandwich for you, as it's become for me. Because you have no idea what our friendship means to me, but I still hope you do. I hope you have some kind of an idea. I hope I've made you see just what you are for me..." There's that deep breath again, and I'm realizing it's similar to one you'd make before jumping out of an airplane "...but it scares me, sometimes, when you close up. When you bottle up whatever's going on inside you. You think I can't tell, but I can. I can, and I understand it. I do. But if you keep doing it, you'll suffer, and that makes me sad..."_

_Her eyes take a trip between us, before they smile back up at me again._

" _...because when Jelly suffers, Peanut Butter suffers."_

_I don't know what to say. And it looks like she doesn't either. So we don't say anything at all. Somehow, we both know we don't need to. Somehow, her words about a children's sandwich are the most beautiful ones I've ever heard. Those words are enough to fill the space between us._

_They're enough to fill us...fill me, forever._

" _You have something..." Her hand reaches out towards me, carefully, tentatively, and it takes everything in me to not move away. It takes everything in me to remain brave, allowing her to graze above my eyebrow with her soft fingers. "...right here."_

_I feel her sweep away whatever was there, and then I feel her hand still on me. I feel her fingers lightly, so so delicately, pulling strands of hair from my face. Pulling them gently behind my ear._

_And it takes everything in me to not close my eyes because of it._

" _God Spence..." Her breathy voice pulls my unfocused eyes right to hers, focusing like they've never seen anything clearer. "...how the hell are you single?"_

_And then her hands are off of me. Her hands are now tucked beneath her chin, tied to her other one, and I'm speechless. Between the Jelly and the Peanut Butter, and the God Spence's, I'm so freaking lost. But that's not it, I'm not lost. I'm found. I'm more found than I've ever been._

_I'm right back inside our safe bubble._

" _So, J..." she flashes me the most heartwarming smile, "...you promise?"_

_With that smile, I don't have to wait a second to answer. With that smile, she could ask for anything, and I'd give her everything back._

" _I promise, PB."_

 

************

 

My eyes hopelessly scan that same sea of faces; searching for one I fear I'll never find again.

Tonight has been a disaster. A disaster that keeps tumbling and crumbling, getting worse with every passing minute. I thought rock bottom would have been the bathroom. I mean, it _should_ have been the bathroom. Because Ashley was supposed to come back. She was supposed to push back inside that door, mere minutes after slamming outside it, to console me. To hold me. To make it right. To be with me, cause I can't be without her. Cause she knows it. Cause she always comes back to make sure I believe it. So I believe she can't be without me either.

Twenty minutes I spent, hands held over my stinging eyes, inside her shiny bathroom; waiting for her. Twenty minutes I waited and waited, hoping and hoping, she'd come back.

But she never did.

Not this time.

She didn't need me to know anything this time. And when I finally did leave that bathroom, I found her looking like she hardly cared I spent any time waiting at all. I found her looking like she could care less about anything I was doing, had ever done, and never did.

Never said.

The party continued on, fleshed out, and wound down. All the while I watched her, without any care about who would see. Without any worry about what they'd think. All _I_ wanted was to see what _she'd_ think. All _I_ wanted was to see if _she_ cared.

All I found was nothing.

This time she actually seemed happy, thrilled even, inside her conversations. Not because I was watching. Not because she knew it. But because the eyes she looked through, weren't mine. Because the words she heard, weren't my lying ones.

It cut deep. So deep. And it only went deeper when I knew I deserved it. When all I could feel was how much I deserved it.

I let a deep sigh push past my worn out lips, not able to hold it in anymore.

I would have gone home a long time ago, if only Madison were here to go home with me. If only Madison were here to pick up the pieces that Ashley always not only picks up, but easily puts back together. But Madison's not here, and Ashley's not making any moves to get close to me, let alone fix my mistakes. So that merely leaves me and my shattered self to sit on this couch, wondering why I didn't get into that cab with an equally shattered (but for completely different reasons) Aiden.

But I know the reason, and I'm sure you do too. I'm here, and not safely home, because this is where I want to be. Cause this is where I need to be. Cause I can't let those twenty minutes be the only minutes I waited. I can't let them define this night for us.

Cause it's my turn to come back. It's my turn to let her know how much I need her. It's my turn to make sure she believes it.

I need to see her. I need to talk to her. And as I watch her lead the last group of party goers to the front door, I don't waste anytime following her there.

Ready to do some right making.

I tentatively step into the hall, watching the tipsy and tired group crawl their way down the front steps, before I rightfully turn my attention to her. To Ashley. And she's just looking at me, neither caring nor not caring. She's just looking, not even at me, but through me. And not in the way like she's looking inside me. No she's looking through me in a way like I'm not even here.

And if she's trying to make me feel like I don't matter, it's working. It's beyond working, because I feel invisible under those same eyes that used to make me feel more alive than anything.

She holds the door open in her hand. Almost as if she were waiting. Waiting for me to take the hint she's so bluntly putting out there.

She wants me to take her open door invitation and walk right through it. She wants me to leave, and maybe she knows I'm not going to, or maybe she thinks even her good mannered invitation feels too generous. I'm not sure what she's thinking, for the first time her walls are so tightly surrounding her, I can't see inside. All I know is, she just shut that front door, without a word, and walked right past me.

She just walked right through me.

Leaving me even more shattered than before.

But I still follow her, albeit shakily, right into the kitchen, the breeding grounds for where this night got off to such a bad start. The breeding grounds for my endless stupidity.

"Ash."

"Don't."

No one said this was going to be easy, especially me, but her even tone makes me wonder if it's even possible.

But I keep trying.

"Ashley wait-"

"Go home, Spencer."

She's still walking away from me, and I'm still following her like a lost and wounded puppy, because that's exactly what I've become.

"Please, Ash, can we just talk about this?"

She doesn't blink an eye, as she shoots right back, so monotone.

"Please, Spence, can you just go home?"

There's nothing inside her. Absolutely nothing. She's not angry. She's not sad. She's not anything, she's indifferent. And that is so much worse than any of that other stuff, cause indifference is uncaring. Indifference is feeling nothing for something.

And that's what does me in. That is what wets my stinging dry eyes. Cause all I am is caring. Cause all I am is sad. Cause all I feel is everything for something.

Cause all I feel is everything for her.

"Ashley, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The voice pouring from my blubbering lips is so strange and foreign, I actually wonder if it's even mine. Ashley looks like she might think the same thing, cause her hands still over the sink, where she's doing the dishes. And judging from the way her hands begin to shake, I know it's to busy herself. I know it's to keep her inside that locked, cold place. Cause I can see it now, I can see it so clearly; she's cracking, and I'm not letting this opportunity slip away from me.

No, I'm right there, chiseling away at the tiny fissures. Hammering and nailing until she breaks. Until she's completely broken and open to me once again.

"Won't you look at me, at least?"

This time, she doesn't hesitate in swinging around, shooting her enraged eyes straight through mine.

"Why, so I can see you lie again? Cause I gotta be honest Spence, that's a look I'd rather not see anymore. That's a look that's growing really old and tired on _you_."

I nod, solemnly, just taking it. Deserving it. Feeling it slowly burn my guilty body on fire. So slowly, that the tears now pour from my eyes like waterfalls. The tears for all of this. The tears for the tears I've never cried. The tears for the tears I hide, along with everything else.

Yup, I'm a weeping mess, and for a brief, shining moment, she looks like she wants to comfort me.

But she doesn't. Not tonight. As quickly as she turned to me, she's back at the sink, working away at the dishes. Disregarding me.

"I'm sorry, Ashley." I meant it to come out strong, hoping it could show my sincerity. But it only comes out as a croak. A whisper almost. And it only makes me cry more.

" I just..." I breathe deep, trying to pull it together, needing to pull something together more than I ever have, cause all I feel is her slipping through my wet fingers "...I just don't know what's going on anymore. I'm so confused. I feel so lost I don't know where I even am. That's the honest-to-God truth." And it is, through my weepy voice, and salty eyes, I've never been more honest.

Finally, she stills over the sink. Finally she cracks a little more, as her voice quietly assures me, "I know, but you promised me, Spence. You promised me you'd always be honest. And this vague honesty thing you've been giving me, that you've always given me...it's not good enough, anymore. I need more than that, now." She keeps her eyes on the running water streaming into the empty sink, like the steady tears streaming inside my empty heart.

She's right. She does need more than that, and right now, I going to try giving it to her.

"I know, Ashley. You do. You deserve so much more than that. The truth is..." I take the shakiest, fullest breath of my life, exhaling the closest thing to a confession I can muster. "...the truth is I'm confused and I'm scared. I'm so scared, you have no idea."

She nods lightly, shutting off the tap, slowly turning towards me. And even though her eyes aren't looking at mine, I can still see inside them. I can still see everything I've been missing. Everything I've been searching for. Her eyes are concerned. Her eyes care. And finally I can breathe. Finally I can breathe in and out with nothing lost between.

Her eyes slowly turn to mine, and with a voice so patently Ashley, she softly asks, "What are you scared of?"

It's the million dollar question. It's the money question, with really, the money answer. It unlocks all the secrets stored away in my small safe. It unlocks it all. And all I want to do is give her those secrets. All I want to do is give her everything inside me, handing her the key to all my locks, whispering for her to 'keep 'em'.

But I can't. Not now. Not tonight.

But I can still try.

"I'm scared..." my hands push inside my pockets, as if it could help hide my vulnerability, "...I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of where I'm heading. I'm scared of where I'm not heading..." I take that same cliff jumping breath and look back up to her face, not even realizing I had ever looked somewhere else. Not comprehending I ever could.

In the darkness of this dimly lit kitchen, I can still see her eyes, and in them I see the same tears that are effortlessly spilling from mine. And it spurs me on.

"...I'm terrified of the past. It keeps...it keeps me up at night, you know? Thinking over all the things I didn't do. All the words I never said. How different things would be if I had said them. How much better my life would be if I was...if I was only brave enough to be honest with...myself."

The silence is louder than anything I've ever heard; the occasional sound of water dripping from the sink, cutting through the air like a knife.

"I'm scared of turning twenty seven alone. I'm afraid to turn thirty seven alone. I'm absolutely terrified of living alone at fifty seven. Because I don't want to still be living like I am now. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this..." I can barely get the words out between my sobs, as I sum it all up.

"I'm afraid of living alone forever."

"Spencer, you are not alone." Each word is punctuated inside her shaky breath, and it infuriates me cause I know where she's going with it.

"Yes, Ashley, I am."

"No you're not, you have me."

And she just went there. She just went exactly where I knew she would, and it hurts so much that it kind of kills me.

"I do not have you, Ashley."

Finally, she moves closer to me, pain written all over her features. "How can you say that, Spence? How can you...How can you feel that way?"

Her voice gets lost in her emotion, her voice gets lost in the truths we know we're starting to uncover. And I know it's time.

I know it's time I remained true to that promise I made so long ago.

"Because...I don't have you, Ash..."

I lean over that cliff, sucking in the deepest breath I've ever had. Like I'll never take another one again, and as I breathe it out, I breath out a truth with it. A truth so big, it feels like a boulder tumbling from my quivering lips.

"Glen does."


	7. Lightness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your heart is a river   
> that flows from your chest  
> through every organ  
> your brain is the dam  
> and I am the fish who can't reach the core.

Two words. Just two words uttered from my terrified lips.

Two words become a ball. The largest most delicate glass ball. And it's dropping. So slowly down to the floor. Moving like a timeline of our lives. Rushing like a river of our memories. Everything between us. Everything not between us. Dropping and dropping, till it all meets the ground. Breaking and shattering everywhere. Leaving all our pieces to slip beneath our scared and frozen feet.

Everything just crashed down on us, so hard, right onto both our lives. Splitting our joint life in two. And those two words are the line.

The line between Before...

"Glen does."

...and After.

And an eternity passes.

And the water keeps dripping from the faucet.

Drips and drips till it hammers. Hammers through this painful silence. Hammers rhythmically, timing perfectly with my lazy and tired tears. And the silence continues. On and on. Forever dragging on, with that two word line echoing off every wall. Every surface. Every breath rumbling from both our panting mouths.

I don't know when she moved, if she ever even did, but she's so close to me now. So close, I feel every one of her shaky breaths slicing right into me. Dripping so deep inside my body.

Filling every empty space.

Neither one of us are doing anything. With so much said, so much almost said, so much implied, I thought one of us would do something. With a line drawn between us, I thought one of us would cross it. I thought she'd be the one to cross it. Cross it and carry us, bringing us far away from it. Because she's the one who always does something. She always makes it better. But for the first time, Ashley looks stunned. Ashley looks unreadable. Ashley looks like she doesn't know how to make anything better.

And it only makes breathing that much harder.

"Ash..." Water splatters against perfect porcelain, drumming her imperfect silence louder "...say something."

Nothing.

And over the rain of this kitchen, I find myself pleading in a voice so familiar, a voice I heard inside her not so long ago. "Please. Please just...say something. Anything."

I swear the air sparks with tension as she finally looks at me. Cause while her eyes may have been on me this whole time, they're not just on me now; they're inside me. They're so far inside, they feel like they're literally holding onto me.

And for a brief moment, it feels like they'll never let me go. A brief moment, before she speaks.

"I..." it comes out so scratchy, like she's never used her voice before "...I have to..." her eyes look into mine, once more, as she takes a tentative step my way, and then she takes it right back. Taking every step she's ever given me right back inside her.

"...I'm sorry."

As fast as my two words drew a line, hers just drew another one. But drew it so much faster.

Because she's already gone.

And I'm still here. With nothing more than a leaky faucet timing with my leaky eyes.

 

\--------

 

"Spence?"

My eyes hold onto the empty chair across from mine. Holding on to what isn't there, and wishing for everything that usually is.

"What?" I absently ask to practically no one, as my father chuckles lightly.

"You ok?"

I blink, needing to tear myself away from her vacant chair, finally focusing on my fathers concerned eyes. Needing to let go of last night, needing to let go of everything that went wrong. Needing to let go of everything I know I've lost and needing to embrace everything I still have. Needing to embrace another Sunday family dinner. A family dinner minus the family. Minus the Ashley.

And, ultimately, minus myself.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm fine. Just tired."

Both he and my mother share a laugh and a knowing look, "I'm sure. You guys really outdid yourselves last night, huh?"

My fathers lightheartedness breaks my heavy heart. My fathers unknowing words hit me in the softest, sorest, spot I've got.

"Yeah. I guess." I sigh so heavily, so miserably, that I can't believe no one notices. I can't believe no one asks what's wrong. It surprises me when I realize how much I want them to. It floors me when I realize how much I need them to.

And it reminds me of being a little girl in grade school. A little girl who can't tell her parents all that's upsetting her because they'll never understand. Because they don't know what it's like to be thirteen with a crush. Because they don't know how hard your life is. Because you naively believe they've never had it as hard as you.

Because you foolishly underestimate just how hard they've had it, and just how much they really do understand.

"I just hope Ashley feels better, she didn't sound too good on the phone."

My mother speaks through her coffee, stilling her mug before her lips, looking down on the table with genuine concern. Thoughtfully nodding her head in the way mothers always do.

She's always loved Ashley. Loved her like she were another daughter. And while it thrills me, while it's amazing to have Ashley so warmly welcomed into our family. It kills me more. It absolutely drowns me. Because Ashley's tied to this warm and welcoming family through someone who isn't me.

And after last night, I don't know if she's even tied to me at all.

"Maybe we should bring her our leftovers. Since Glen's gonna be away for a few more nights, I'm sure she'd appreciate it. What do you think, Spence? I mean you're probably swinging by there on your way home anyway right?"

My fathers hearty smile twists that twisted knife further inside my chest. Because not only do I think it's a bad idea, I know it is. I know it all too well. Because all I've done is call Ashley. All I've done is gone by her house.

All I've received is nothing. And I don't have it in me to take on anymore nothings.

I don't have it in me to keep facing a face that isn't there. A face that doesn't want to see mine. She's made that clear. She made that abundantly clear when she walked away from me. When I gave her all she wanted, and she gave me everything I feared in return. She turned me down and with it, she turned me inside out. I'm so reversed and disoriented, I'm like a lost sheep, trying to find my way back. Trying to find myself.

But really, what I'm trying to find, is her. And she's nowhere.

I've tried to get back to her all day. After going home a weeping puddle last night, I knew I had to make things right today. I had to find her. I had to talk to her.

I had to take it all back. I had to erase the line.

But as every one of my calls went unanswered. As every one of my knocks on her door went unopened, I realized it was impossible. I realized I can't erase the past. I can't rewrite my truths. And then I realized it. I sadly realized I don't want to. Because I shouldn't. Because those truths have allowed me to breathe. Those truths have given me some kind of a life back.

My eyes solemnly glance across the table where her lonely chair still sits. Sitting there so empty.

So empty like the life I've been given back.

"So what do you say, Spence?"

Eyes never leaving her chair, I mumble between heavy lips, "Hmmm?"

"The leftovers. Will you drop them off for Ashley?"

I frown. I foolishly frown in front of the one man who knows I never frown. And while I'm quick to form the most manufactured smile ever, I'm not sure I'm quick enough.

"Um, she probably wants to rest, you know, I'm sure she doesn't want anyone to disturb her."

My father gives my flickering eyes the once over, maybe finally seeing how miserable I really am. And I feel a tiny piece of relief flutter inside me. A piece of relief for an outlet. Relief to release the rest of the weight living inside me.

"Spence, I think If there's anyone that girl would want to see right now...I'm absolutely positive it's you." My father smiles, genuinely smiles, and I feel even more miserable. For the words he's saying, and for the frowns he's missing.

Yup, for those unnoticed frowns, I hear my heart beginning to crack. And as my mother proudly corrects him, "...Well, aside from Glen."

I feel that heart shatter into a million little pieces.

 

\------

 

I hate Sunday nights. Always have. I don't know why, but for some reason, after the sun goes down on a Sunday night, I become anxious. So anxious. I feel all these non-existent loose ends, and suddenly, I need to tie them. Suddenly, there's something I need to fix, something serious, and it's something I've only just remembered.

Because that's the thing, there's always something to remember. Whether I realize it or not, there's always something to take care of. Something I can do. And tonight, as I solemnly walk through my front door, I don't even know where to begin. I don't know which thread to tie first.

No, I don't know which impossible knot needs untying first. Because inside my stomach, there feels like there's a million of those little bundles, and I'm tired of them. I'm so damn tired of them.

There's only one light on in the living room, and it makes me feel so lonely. Because it reminds me that Madison is probably in her room, with Jack, living her perfect unknotted life.

And it make me realize Madison no longer knows anything about my imperfect knotted one.

Madison hardly knows anything about me anymore.

The thought is so heartbreaking that it sends more tears out of my eyes. And as I reach my bedroom door, I'm halfway to becoming that same puddle I was last night.

For an unknown reason, I take a deep breath before opening my door. Suddenly feeling as though something huge is about to happen. Suddenly feeling all those knots tie themselves extra tight.

And as I finally walk inside, I find the reason. I find her. Standing right there, in the middle of my mess of a room, is Ashley. Her eyes mirroring my weepy ones, her arms holding her body in the way I wish someone would hold me.

In the way I wish she'd hold me.

"Ash?"

I whisper, so softly, afraid she might run away again.

She doesn't say anything, though, and it makes me nervous. So nervous. The way her eyes painfully look into mine, the way they look so hurt, it only makes me more scared. Makes me think of all the possible reasons I'm staring at her right now in this very moment. Maybe she's here to say goodbye. Maybe she's here to tell me to never come around again. Or, maybe, she's here to tell me the one thing I just can't hear. The one thing that will absolutely obliterate me.

Maybe she's in love with my brother. Maybe he does have her. Maybe he has her in the way I've always believed I've had her.

Because, maybe, I never ever had her at all.

This last thought makes me so unbelievably sad and insecure, that I have to turn away. I have to walk away from her silence. I have to because I can't bare to hear it any longer. I'm about to turn around, heading to a place I don't know of yet, but knowing it's somewhere I need to go.

But then a soft, yet firm, hand reaches out for mine. A gentle, caring, hand turns me around so slowly. Pulling me to face nothing but her honesty. Facing me with nothing but everything she is, somehow allowing me to see all of her all at once, as she holds my hand tighter.

"No, Spence..."

My legs feel so wobbly, I don't know how they're still holding me up. I don't know how I'm still breathing, as she becomes so serious, realizing she's about to say whatever she came here to say. And I know whatever it is, she's going to break me with it.

"...He doesn't have me."

Like that, her breathy, raspy words break me. Her honesty breaks me right in half, and I can't breathe. I can't feel my legs. I can't feel anything except for my drumming heart, as she raises our linked hands to her chest; holding them directly over her own thumping heart.

"He doesn't have this."

I'm crying now. I'm crying so hard, feeling every fat tear running so sloppily down my wet cheeks. And as she steps towards me, I see the same tears refeleced in her eyes. I hear both our broken breaths, pushing out of our broken mouths. We're falling apart, but we're slowly pulling each other together. And she keeps moving. Moving right towards me, so slowly, giving me all my steps back. Giving me everything I've been missing, as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me right to her. So softly, so truthfully, she whispers right inside my ear and it slides straight into my heart.

"He doesn't have any of it, Spence, and he never has."

And I'm a goner. I'm holding onto her with my life, equally surrounding my body with hers. With no intentions of ever letting go. Because she just single handedly unraveled all my knots, and tied together all my loose ends.

Because, right now, in this moment, she doesn't just make me feel alive. She's given me a life. A perfect, unknotted life.

And, now...now I can breathe.


	8. Doors Unlocked and Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somewhere down, down  
> down in the ocean of sound, sound  
> we'll live in slow-motion  
> and be free with doors unlocked and open  
> doors unlocked and open

_"Things with you and John..." Ashley nonchalantly asks into the air between us, giving her attention to everything inside The Bean except for the girl sitting across from her. The girl who just happens to be me. "Things are, uh, going well?"_

_"John...?"_

_"The guy you're dating?"_

_"Oh right, John. The love of my life. How could I forget?" I teasingly draw out, dressing myself in a fake suit of pride ."Things are unbelievable. Absolutely thrilling, really."_

_She smirks, in a strange way, and sips her coffee thoughtfully, "You are one strange girl, Spence."_

_"Better than being boring."_

_Once again I dress myself in the genuine, hoping she doesn't see the sadness inside me. Hoping she doesn't see that I see the same sadness reflected in that smirk of hers. Hoping she doesn't see how uncomfortable it makes me feel. How unbelievably uncomfortable I feel right now. Because I know what she's doing, it's what she's been doing, and I'm growing more and more tired of it._

_She's judging me._

_She's judging me and my decisions. She's judging far more than any best friend should._

_Just because she has a boyfriend, doesn't give her the right to look down on mine. Just because she dates my brother, doesn't give her the right to dictate how I feel about who I date. But somehow, she does. Maybe she doesn't even know she's doing it. Maybe I'm only pretending she is so I can feel better about myself. So I can believe she cares, because I know she's right. I know she's right to judge. And maybe that's why she's my best friend. Maybe that's why she has absolutely every right to do the things she does._

_Maybe it's why I love her._

_"So I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark here and guess you're not a big fan of Jack?"_ _I can't help myself, I need to  ask. Need to know. I need to know her judgement, because it means everything to me._

_"You mean John?"_

_My eyes roll instinctively, speeding this along._

_"John, Jack, potatoes potahtoes."_

_She laughs, and I can't help but chuckle with her, because this time we're both not dressing in anything but our bare selves. We're honest, and now I want to see all of that honesty in everything she's not saying._

_"But really, Ash, you know your opinion means everything to me, so... I start, so sincerely, "...what do you think?"_

_"I think that..." She shrugs, passively, as if she really doesn't care either way. But I see through it, I see right through it, and I know she certainly does care. And she certainly doesn't like him. "...I think he's a nice guy."_

_"Ash..."_

_I give her a look that says everything I mean, and she knows she has to listen._

_"Ok." One coffee cup set down on one coffee table. "I think he's a nice guy, I think he's a really sweet guy," finally she looks at me. "But I think you can do better. I know you can. And I think..." she looks nervous, it's that weird nervous look I've seen a million times on her, a million times, and I still can't figure out what it means, I still can't figure out what she hides beneath it. "I think you're wasting your time on someone who doesn't put enough time into you. I think you deserve someone who can't be without you, because if they can they're morons. Because they don't know what they're missing out on. And this Jack character..." She shakes her head, finding her way out of being lost in thought, "He doesn't know what he's missing out on."_

_"John." I say it so softly._

_"Huh?"_

_She looks geniunely confused, and I can't help but let a shy giggle dribble out of my mouth. Feeling an overwhelming amount of joy flowing through me like a river from her words. Feeling a blazing blush that wants to break through my surface, the one I'm doing anything to extinguish before it reveals itself as I reply, somewhat humbled,_ _"You said Jack and this particular moron's name is John."_

_"Oh, well..." She smiles a new smile I've never seen before, and it absolutely fills me up, " Jack, John – different name, same moron."  
_

_She glimpses down to her hands, bashfully, and I swear I see a blush forming on her cheeks. And when her eyes come back to mine, the room stops. The needle rips itself from the record. No one else exists inside The Bean, except for the two of us. The two of us and her blatant and humble honesty. The honesty that is sinking further and further beneath our pink skin._

_Her honesty that is sinking further and further inside my already sunken heart._

_"I think you're..." Her voice, low and gravely, brings me back to her nervous face, her nervous body, taking over her usual strong and brave form, making her look more vulnerable than I've ever seen her "...you're wasting your time on someone who never holds your hand."_

_The air fills up with tension, so much tension, and the only way to release it, the only way I know how, is to laugh. I don't want to, I wish I could stop myself, but I laugh._

_"Ashley, you don't strike me as the PDA type."_

_I do what I do best, I joke. I joke because something about this already feels too heavy, and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I can hear it. Because I know I actually desperately need to hear it, because I desperately want to know if I actually can handle it._

_"I'm not."_

_"Okay..." I moronically, nervously, chuckle, trying to keep this all inside the safety of a funny place, "...explain that one to me."_

_My cover up hides the rapid beating heart inside my chest. The one that feels like it's about to burst through my chest. Cause she's not keeping anything under shits and giggles. She's throwing herself out there, she's throwing herself so far out there, I almost want to grab her and pull her back down. And, suddenly, she looks unsure. Suddenly, she doesn't need me to pull her anywhere, cause I've already pushed her away. Cause I've already made her back down all on her own._

_"Nevermind."_

_And it's heartbreaking._

_"No, no, tell me, please, I wanna know."_

_My tone is reassuring, and somewhat desperate, because I know what an idiot I've been. Because I've never wanted to know something more than I do now. Because she intrigues me more than anyone I've ever known. Because every word out of her mouth is the most fascinating thing I've ever heard. And I know, if she doesn't tell me what I've foolishly scared her out of saying, I'd be missing out. I'd be missing out so much that I'd become just another moron._

_I'd be no better than the "boyfriend" I carry around, who's name I don't care enough about to even remember._

_She looks at me, contemplating, for one more beat, before she smiles. "I will tell you, Spence..." a breath of pure relief leaves my lips, before I suck it right back in, as she concludes, "...someday."_

_"Someday?" It practically squeaks from my body._

_"Someday." She firmly assures, and my face falls solemnly; So antsy to know what she was going to say and beyond mserable believing I've missed out on it, when I've already missed out on so much. But I let it go. I let it go because I have no other choice. Because I'd never pressure her. Because I'd never make her do something she didn't want to do._

_Because, someday, I know she will tell me. And I know I can wait. I know I can wait forever._

_So I start waiting._

" _Someday, huh..."_ _Waiting with a wise ass grin, and a throwback._ " _You are one strange girl, Ash."_

_A knowing smile forms over her beautiful lips, ready to play along._

" _Better than being boring."_

" _Hey, stop stealing my lines! You may not be boring, but you are_ so _unoriginal!"_

" _Uh, I seem to recall you started the unroginality by stealing_ my _line first!"_

" _Oh whatever."_

_And as she obnoxiously, but absolutely adorably, pokes her tongue out at me, the air lifts. The air lifts so much, that I can't stop the smile spreading over my lips. Spreading and shining right towards her, because I realize I can't be without her. Because I realize I'm not a moron. And maybe I have missed out on somethings. Maybe I've missed out on things I shouldn't have. But it doesn't upset me. It doesn't bother me._

_Because when she looks at me in the way she's looking at me right now, I know, I know more than anything._

_I'm not missing a damn thing._

 

_***************_

 

Rain pitter patters on my windows, blanketing the warm silence in its consistency, its regularity, its perfection.

And it is perfection. It's beyond perfection.

"I'm sorry I left last night."

Ashley's fingers pick at my white down comforter, pick at the sea of space between us. Laying face to face, on either end of my queen sized bed. So far from one another, but, really, never feeling closer.

"It's ok." I quietly assure her.

"No, it's not." She takes a deep breath, still watching her fingers working away at nothing, "It's just that when you...when you said all that stuff..." She sighs, like she feels defeated, like her words are just too much to bare, but she doesn't know how to get rid of them. I want to reach out and help her, but I know I can't. I know she needs to do this on her own.

"When you finally said all those things, things I've been wanting you to say, finally being honest about everything going on with you...it was like, I couldn't take it or something." Her hands are now cradling the air between us, eyes a million miles away, as if they're running through every moment we've ever shared together. "It's like that phrase 'be careful what you wish for' you know? I got it, I got so much of what I've wished for and it was too much. It was everything, and I didn't know how to hold onto it, I didn't know how to wrap around it...because how can a person wrap themself around everything? So I ran and every step away from you kind of killed me, cause all I wanted..." She stops, so abruptly, taking in such a deep breath before she continues in the softest voice ever, "...when all I've ever wanted was to wrap myself around you, because  _you_ are everything."

Wow.

I gulp, literally gulp, as something lodges in my chest. In my throat. In my heart. Something so big, so important, so life changing. Because I'm pretty sure she just changed my life. Changed it on an already life changing night. And what do you say to that. What do you say in return to something that's divided your life?

Well if you're me, you stuttur hopelessly for a few minutes, before you breathe out. Before you breathe out only name you've ever wanted to.

"Ash..."

"It's ok."

She quietly, but firmly, assures me. And all I can do is smile. All I can do is shuffle closer on the bed without realizing it; because her pull is magnetic, and I could never fight it.

Because I'd never even want to.

"Yeah..." I quickly glance down at her lips, eyes with a mind of their own, "...it is."

We're now wrapped up in everything together; this moment, these words, the rain outside, falling down on the windows, painting everything clearer. Everything makes sense right now, everything that I know will not make sense in the morning, everything that will surely blow up in our faces, is not the same everything we're sharing now.

This everything is relief. This everything is breathing in and out. This everything is our ends of the bed, and the small space between us.

This everything is the hand she just stole from me, cradling it as if it were a new born between her delicate fingers.

"I absolutely love hands." She twirls mine between hers, examining it, almost like she's engraving each line inside her memory. "Did you know that?"

Something ignites in my own mind; a memory sparking brighter and brighter.

" _I think you're wasting your time on someone never holds your hand._ "

And suddenly I've never listened more closely. I've never wanted to hear the words that are about to leave her gorgeous lips more. Because I have waited, and someday is finally here.

"No, I didn't." It's sweet and patient, never rushing her. Never rushing anyting on a life changing night that's given us all the time in the world.

"Yup." Her eyes shuffle between my hands and my eyes, not showing any sings of recalling the "someday" memory, "I'm not big, I don't know, I'm not big on anything really PDA. No surprise there, I know." I chuckle lightly, because It really isn't any surprise, "But, and this is pretty embarrassing, so I trust you won't call up page six first thing in the morning, right? I mean, I know you wouldn't cause I trust you big time little girl."

She smiles adorably, tapping my nose, and I can't stop from smiling, giddy with excitement like the biggest geek in the room.

"When I was little, really little, I judged my boyfriends on the ones I'd hold hands with. Anthony Rizzo in fifth grade for example, oh my God, biggest hands ever. Like, clamy and always sweaty and just _ew_. Like, I could never date him, because I'd never hold hands with him. I'd never grab his hand at Pizza Hut because who wants to eat with a furnace in their hand. And then there was Lee Hardy in seventh grade...my God, he had the longest, thinnest fingers and, oh they were just so gross. And so creepy."

She visibly shudders and I bite my lip to hold back the laughter.

"Creepy fingers, Ash?" Voice questioning, eyes skeptical "Seriously, fingers can be creepy?"

"Uh, yeah?" She looks off into the distance, like she always does when she can't believe I'm not picking up on what she's putting down. "Haven't you seen Lord of the Rings, my _precious_?"

"Oh God. Stop. You know I have and you know how much that creeps me out."

She chuckles wildly to herself, knowing how much it in fact does creep me out, and knowing how well she's done. Through her little giggling fit, she's managed to roll closer to me on the bed. And I feel it.

Oh how I feel it.

The room becomes so silent again, and I remember the memory and the story and I still don't see the bridge. So, I bring it back up, so hopefully she can keep building it for me to eventually see.

"So, whose did you hold?"

My hand still grasped between hers, she smiles into my eyes, while her eyes smile into my mouth. Her eyes don't even move when I catch them staring straight between my lips.

"Hmmm?"

I can't help but laugh.

"Hands. You've told me whose you didn't want to hold, so tell me about the ones you have held. I want to know what Ashley Davies qualifies as the perfect hand to hold."

It's strange, my tone was completely humorous, my voice was soaked in playfullness. But suddenly, nothing is playful about the mood. Nothing is playful about the way brown bores into blue, and suddenly our linked hands break the stare. Our linked hands are held between our bodies, between our faces.

"Well that's the thing, I've been searching for it for a long time, I've been looking for that one hand that I'd want to hold no matter what. For that one hand that would make me forget about PDA, about people watching, about showing affection in public. Because I've always known that that hand is out there. Always. I've always known that there's a person out there whose hand I'd never hesitate in grabbing, because I couldn't not hold them. Because I'd have to be connected to them always."

Her lips turn up into a heartwarming smile, and it burns straight through my chest. It burns through everything I am, straight into my heart.

"Because that person is someone I can't be without."

I can hear the memory replaying in my mind, I can hear her words replaying over and over. Setting my insides on fire.

"So have you...have you found it?" I whisper in a voice so husky, I didn't even know I had one of its kind inside me.

She holds our hands impossibly tighter together, placing them right against her chest.

"Yeah," her voice sounds slightly choked with complete emotion, relief written all over her face. "I think I have."


	9. A Diamond and a Tether

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pity, take pity on me  
> cause I'm not half the man  
> that I should be  
> always turning to run  
> from the people I should not be afraid of  
> and darling, you should know  
> that I have fantasies about being alone  
> it's like love is a lesson  
> that I can't learn  
> i make the same mistakes  
> at each familiar turn

" _Wow. She's wasted, huh?"_

" _Yeah." Mumbling and a million miles away, I don't even bother looking at him, eyes permanently glued to_ her _body draped over the bar, draped over Glen, "Yeah, she is."_

_I shake my head. I shake my sight of her. Trying so hard to not do the one thing I always do. Needing to stop my second nature, because why torture myself? Why watch her doing everything with my brother, that I wish she'd do with me._

_But, before I know it, I'm right back there. I'm right back there watching. I just keep on watching. Slowly killing myself in the process._

_Things have been rocky recently. So rocky. It started gradually; less Bean conversations. Less late night phone calls. Less everything that used to be me and her. That used to be PB & J. And then once I started dating Timmy, once it became apparent that I was gonna keep him around. Things just dropped completely. She dropped completely._

_She was distant. So distant._

_Distant and all over Glen._

_Yeah, the past couple of months have basically been my worst nightmare. And tonight I wish I'd wake up from it already because I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much more I can take of her arms wrapped around his neck. Of her eyes pretending to look at him. Pretending to look at him the way she always used to look at me._

_I know she pretends, because somehow she still manages to always have her eyes on me. She somehow always manages to shoot her eyes through mine every time Timmy holds my hand. Every time Timmy whispers in my ear. Every time Timmy merely shows up._

_She hates him. She absolutely hates him. And it baffles me. It baffles me, cause if there's anyone who should be hated in my relationship, it's me. It's me and the worst part? I don't even care._

_I've been dating Timmy for four months, and I've known he's not the one for me for four months. I knew it as soon as I got into it. I wasn't going anywhere with this guy. But, I still took him along for the ride, pretending we were going everywhere together. Letting him believe we were heading towards that white picket fence "future"; solid hand in shaky hand._

" _Man, your brother's got his hands full." Timmy says and m_ _y neck practically snaps as I look into his insulting eyes, throwing defensive daggers through them with mine._

" _What's that supposed to mean?"_

_She might be a stranger these days, for all I know she might hate me these days. I might feel myself die a little more every time I look at her, but she's still my world. She's still my everything. She's still my Jelly. And I have no problem, no problem what-so-ever, rushing to her defense. I have no problem shoving someone in their place if they come remotely close to dissing her._

_I have no problem putting her ahead of my boyfriend. The one I sleep with every night, never feeling a damn thing. The one I whisper "I love you" to every morning, never meaning a word of it._

" _Uh, just that he's gonna have a sloppy drunk to take care of for the rest of the night." He looks at me as if I'm the stupidest person in the room, and I probably am, for so many reasons that he doesn't even understand, or maybe he does, and that in itself makes him a world smarter than me, "Jesus, Spence, what do you care anyway? It's not like you two are that great of friends anyway."_

_I think my insides just flooded with all the tears I won't cry. The tears that have been going unshed for far too long now._

_Timmy doesn't know the truth. He doesn't know that we weren't just friends before he came into my little world. No, we were so much more than friends. We were a Peanut Butter and a Jelly._

" _Sorry." I breathe it from my burdened lips, not meaning it in the slightest, feeling a steady, slow ache burning through me. Watching my Jelly, knowing it's pointless to pretend I'm not._

" _It's ok, baby, I know you're just grumpy cause I've been gone all week."_

_Oh not the "baby". Not the most cringe worthy pet name in the world. And now the ache only intensifies, the ache's calling the U-Haul ready to permanently move in, and I know I have to let this guy go soon. I have to for my sake._

_But really, I have to for his._

" _Yeah." I gulp down my beer, "that must be it."_

_He goes in for a heavy kiss. I guess he figures I'm drunk and miserable and he's what I'm missing. I guess he thinks this is what I want and need because it's coming from him. Because he's what I want and need. But you all know the truth, you know it so much more than even I know it._

_And if he'd only open his eyes, if he'd only look at me while he rams his tongue down my throat, he'd see it too. He'd see me staring at her; staring at her staring straight back at me, Glen's arm loosely wrapped around her waist, while he talks to some blonde bombshell beside him._

_As if she weren't even there._

_I wish I could say that it feels good, seeing her miserable with my brother, seeing her so upset after dealing with how upset she's made me. But I could never ever say it feels good to see her upset. I could never ever like seeing her miserable._

_Because she's suffering, and we all know that means I am too._

" _I'm gonna head to the head." Timmy laughs moronically at his own moronic joke, wetly kissing my temple as he slides away from me, "you want anything while I'm up? 'nother beer?"_

_I know why he's asking. I know he's thinking if he gets me drunky it'll get him lucky. Well, that ain't happening. Not tonight, and something tells me, not ever again._

" _All set."_

_I don't even watch him as he waits for me to thank him, or look at him, or treat him like my boyfriend. But I don't. I merely wait for him to leave as I watch Ashley head off to the bathroom on her own. Contemplating following her there._

_But I don't._

" _Baby sis."_

_Oh great, my second favorite person in the bar just decided to join my little pity party of one._

" _What do you want?" I ask more so to the bottle of beer between my lips, than him._

" _Wow, someone's in a bad mood."_

" _Wow, someone's awfully observant."_

" _Look, I don't have time for your attitude. I need you to do me a favor."_

" _You're kidding me, right?"_

_I finally turn towards him, incredulousness painted everywhere in my features._

" _Come on, please."_

_He's begging like a little boy who wants a new car for Christmas, forgetting the little fact that he's barely nine._

" _No."_

" _Come on, won't you at least let me tell you what it is before you turn it down?"_

" _Nope."_

" _I need you to take Ashley home."_

_Before I can stop myself, before I can stop second nature, I'm looking towards him again, voice full of concern, "Why? Is she ok?! I mean..." deep breath, words slowed down "...What's going on?"_

_But I'm still fumbling all over my words, pretending to not be concerned while I'm really dying of concern, and he knows it. He knows it all too well._

" _No, no she's ok. She's just hammered and I can't take care of her. She's like five minutes from barfing all over the bar and I just can't handle that."_

_Fucking asshole._

" _You're a fucking asshole."_

" _No," he begins as if it were completely reasonable. "I'm just trying to have a good Saturday night. And she's a buzzkill."_

_My eyes widen in such horror, you'd think he had just confessed to murdering someone._

" _You are un-fucking-believable, Glen. Seriously."_

" _So does that mean you'll do it?" He practically begs as I only slide out from the booth._

_I shout "No!" over my shoulder, and as I hear him whine like a petulant five year old, I know there's no way in hell I'm giving in and doing him any kind of favor._

_No way in hell._

 

_\----------_

 

_Ashley and Glen's apartment (don't even get me started on that hot little topic) is so dark that we have to fumble our way through the living room._

_We being Ashley and me._

_I guess I found a way into Hell._

" _Spence?"_

_I instinctively wrap my arm tighter around her waist, feeling as though I need to protect her merely for hearing her say my name. And as her arms hook themselves further around my neck, softly bumping our heads together, I smile. Because I don't mind that it kind of hurt. Because I secretly, and pathetically, savor any contact with her._

" _Yeah?"_

" _I..." She takes a deep breath, and when she exhales she somehow exhales all over me and through me, and I can't stop the shiver shooting down my spine. "...I..."_

" _You what, Ash?" It's soft and sincere with not a trace of annoyance, because that could never be the case. Even though I know all questioning is pointless, she's so drunk she probably has no idea what she's even saying._

" _I..." her head shakes against my shoulder "...nevermind."_

_If this were two months ago, I'd press her for what she was really going to say. Always curious, always needing to know. But that was two months ago, it's been a lifetime since, and I don't feel comfortable asking. I don't think I have the right. Losing it the day I started 'loving' someone else._

_Yes, I've lost the right to ask, but I haven't lost any right to wonder. And I'm wondering, I'm wondering so much as we stumble into_ their _bedroom; suddenly tasting a very tinty taste in my mouth. Feeling like I might just vomit._

_I practically drop her onto the bed, trying so hard to lay her down, but finding it basically impossible with her body resembling the heaviest lead._

" _Where's Glen?" She mumbles incoherently and mindlessly into thick air, and my heart kind of drops._

_Ok, it's plummeting. It's plummeting so fast, and somehow, I fear it'll never find the ground._

" _He's still at O"Neill's" My tone's going for indifference, but it only sounds pained. So damn pained and nothing else._

" _Oh," her voice is unreadable as I turn on the bed side light. "Noooo, no light!" Her hands adorably cover her eyes. "Please, Spence, turn it offfff."_

_For a swift moment, I feel what it used to be like. For one fleeting beautiful moment, as she grabs my hand, I remember what this used to be like. I remember us, who we used to be. Who were supposed to be._

_And it sits me down. It puts me right on the edge of the bed, and I feel something flutter between my ribs as she immediately curls herself around me._

" _Jelly."_

_She breathes with eyes closed. She breathes my name against my burning thigh, and I think I might have just gone to heaven._

" _Peanut Butter." I whisper right back through a soft spot smile._

_Like a light switch, her eyes shoot open and she's looking straight at me. She's looking so far inside me, as if she were reaching for me. Reaching for the friend I used to be._

_Suddenly she seems completely sober. And suddenly, everything doesn't just feel like it used to be. Everything_ is _how it used to be._

" _I've missed you."_

_My heart just broke with three words. Three words that I've been waiting to hear. Needing to hear for so long, that my voice cracks when I whisper back, "I've missed you too."_

_We sit inside the unbelievably comforting darkness and silence of her room, as I feel her grab my hand between both of hers. Holding it against her panting chest._

" _Where've you been, Spence? Why've you been so far away?" Her voice kind of slurs, but it's never sounded more clearly and concisely heartbroken._

" _I've been here." My voice is so soft, and even in the shadows of her room, I still can't look towards her as I quietly continue, "I'm right here, Ash. I'm right here."_

_The sound of sniffling coats the silent air, and I can't stop my hand from placing itself on the bed. Placing it behind her back, straddling her body with my arm and torso._

_Wishing I were brave enough to touch her._

" _Good." And she keeps wrapping herself further around me. "Don't go away again, ok? Please don't leave me again, Spence."_

_Her voice is so small, so so small and childlike, that I feel my chest tighten. Not even thinking twice before I reply. "Never, Ash. Never again."_

_Sighing like I've just saved her life, she wraps her arms around my waist, practically resting her head in my lap. And while I'm hesitant at first, I finally find a sliver of courage and touch her; letting my hand softly sift through her hair, eliciting the quietest sighs from her. Eliciting the shallowest breaths against my denim covered thigh._

" _So, where's..." I can actually hear her disdain in the name I know she's about to say next "...Timmy?" And without missing a beat, without allowing me anytime to answer, she brings us right back to four months ago. "By the way, have I mentioned how much I hate him and his stupid name?"_

_I laugh. I laugh so hard, because finally everything is right in the world, solely because everything is right right inside this room._

_Finally, everything is right._

" _No, but I kind of figured with the death stares you've been giving him." She giggles at that. "Anyway, he's home and I wouldn't worry, I'm pretty much sure that's gonna be over in, oh I don't know..." I lift my arm, pretending to look at my non existent watch "...eight hours."_

" _Thank, God." She moves her face further into my lap, and I think I'm dying inside, I think I'm dying the slowest most beautiful death "...he wasn't right for you. Definitely_ so _wasn't right for you."_

_She's speaking into my leg, I can feel her lips moving against me and I wish she weren't so drunk, I wish she were sober so I knew she meant it. So I could be safe in the knowledge that she feels everything I feel._

_But she's not. She's beyond wasted, and all I can hope is she'll remember this in the morning. And that should be so beyond depressing, it should be weighing me down, but I don't let it. Because finally we're together, like we used to be, and I'm selfishly savoring it._

_Suddenly, but slowly, she rolls away from me, leaving me frozen and alone on the edge of the bed. A frown tugs its way onto my lips, tugs so hard, before she pats the space beside her._

" _Come 'ere." I've never heard her voice more gentle. "Lay with me."_

_And with the most trepidation I've ever had, I listen to her. With every ounce of bravery I can muster, I lay down right beside her. Petrified. Absolutely petrified. Because we've never been this close. Never. And I think the air knows it. I think the air sizzles with tension because of it._

_Her breathing is so shallow, so drawn out that I almost believe she's fallen asleep. Almost._

" _I'm sorry I've been so mean to you."_

" _You haven't been mean." My voice is so small, as my eyes try to find her face in front of mine. Needing to see her face. And she laughs in a way that's not really funny._

" _No. Spence. I have been. And I'm so sorry."_

_One blinking beat._

" _It's ok."_

_It becomes so silent again. So silent, I can hear the wind outside. I can hear it brushing the trees up against her windows. Tiny little branches beating themselves against strong and sturdy glass._

" _I was afraid I was losing you."_

" _You weren't." I'm so quick to correct her. I'm so quick to make sure she knows it's the truth._

" _But I thought I was. And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, Spence. I don't know what I'd ever do if you...I just can't lost you..." Even with her face hidden from mine, I can see her frown, and before I know it my hands wrapped around her waist, causing her to breathe in so harshly, but I keep it there anyway._

" _You're not gonna lose me."_

" _Promise?" Asked with the voice of such a heartbroken girl, that I don't hesitate in answering. I don't hesitate in mending that broken heart with my heartfelt answer._

" _Promise."_

" _Pinky swear?"_

_In the black, I see her pinky extended between us, I see it cause I feel it there, suspended in the air. And unwrapping my hand from her warm waist, I effortlessly link my pinky with hers. Blindly knowing exactly where it is._

" _I swear."_

" _I swear too."_

_She whispers sweetly, feeling it more than hearing it, as if her body were a breath away. And it could be for all I know._

_Silence takes hold once again, but something's different about this silence. Something is slipping between, and something tells me it's something I don't wanna hear._

" _Spence?"_

" _Yeah?" It's asked raspy and weak, cause for some reason I can't must the strength to ask her. I can't find it in me to urge her to continue with something I know is going to kill me._

_She takes a deep and drunk, but more troubled than anything, breath. And then she does it..._

" _He wants to marry me."_

_She kills me. And feeling so defeated, so deflated, I foolishly ask, "Who?"_

" _You know who."_

_I sigh._

" _Yeah. I know who."_

" _I don't wanna lose you." Normally it'd make me defensive and insecure. Normally it'd make me unbelievably sad, insinuating that she wants to marry him too. Suggesting that she wants him but she doesn't want to lose me in the process._

_But that's not what she's suggesting. Nothing about those words suggest what they normally would. No those words sound different now. Somehow they sound like they're saying something more than what she's actually saying._

_I just don't know what exactly they're suggesting. So I say the only thing I can._

_I reply truthfully._

" _You won't."_

" _I don't know what to do, Spence."_

_It seems like she's trying something, whatever she's suggesting, from another angle. And I'm still not picking it up._

" _You should do whatever's right. Whatever you feel is right."_

" _What if what I feel is right...is wrong?"_

_She's losing me, let's not forget I've been drinking too. But I know she'd still lose me sober. So I don't say anything. Afraid to speak for some reason. Terrified to continue this, for a reason I'm sure I'd realize if I actually were brave enough to search for it._

_If I were only brave enough to open my eyes and see everything that's right before me._

" _What should I do, Spence? Please just tell me. Tell me what to do. Tell me what..." I feel her breath, I feel it against my lips, and I'm so very aware of how close she is now. I'm so very aware of what she might be suggesting._

_And I'm paralyzed. I'm frozen. Licking my lips and so unsure as to why, I whisper right against her moist mouth that I know is so close to mine._

" _I can't tell you that, Ash. You..." My eyes flick down, wishing I could see her, wishing I could see her closer than she's ever been to me, and as close as I'll ever be to her "...you have to decide what you want."_

" _I've never had to decide what I want, Spence."_

_Nothing fills the space between her words and mine. She didn't even have to blink an eye on that one, and now I'm scared shitless. I'm so scared, I'm moving away from her, just the slightest bit, but enough for her to notice. Enough for her to breathe deeply._

" _Just..." I can hear just how sad she is, but I don't know how to make it better "...just promise I'll never lose you like we've lost the past two months. Please let's not do that again? Please, Spencer. It almost broke me the first time, I don't think I'd survive a second time."_

_The complete loss in her voice jabs and jabs at my stomach, but I don't blink an eye in responding._

" _I promise, Ash. I promise you will never ever lose me."_

" _Ok..." She says it as if she's not sure she should trust it, but I guess we both decide to let it go, because she scoots closer to me on the bed, and this time, I don't move away._

_One hand curled over my hip, and I'm on fire._

" _Will you stay with me tonight?" She breathes across the pillow directly into my mouth "...I just get so lonely when..." She trails off, either thinking better of it, or maybe too embarrassed to admit it._

_But I know what she was going to say. I know she was going to admit that my prick of a brother leaves her alone at night far more than he should. And as I whisper "of course I will" right inside her ear, feeling her sigh in relief right against my throat, I wish I were brave enough to admit everything to her._

_I wish I were brave enough to tell her I've never had to decide what I want either._

_I wish I were brave enough to tell her that she shouldn't marry my brother._

_Then again, if I were at all brave in the first place, I wouldn't have to do either._

_Because she'd already be mine._


	10. We Laugh Indoors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when we laugh indoors  
> the blissful tones   
> bounce off the walls   
> and fall to the ground.   
> peel the hardwood back   
> to let them loose from decades trapped   
> and listen so still

The air is bitter, more bitter than it's been in awhile. Winter is well on its way. The time of year for heavy coats and wool scarves is upon us. But I'm not dressed in either and I'm nowhere close to needing them.

Taking a deep breath, I walk towards her front door. The air whipping around me, the chill trying its best to push through me; but it doesn't. Nope. There's not one bit of shiver running through any of my bones. There's not an ounce of coldness residing anywhere inside me.

No, I'm insulated in this mornings memory. I'm caught between thoughts of hands and those worth holding.

I'm wrapped up in Ashleys sweetness.

And I've never been warmer.

 

\------------

 

_"Spence..."_

_A voice so calm and sweet whispers right inside me, tantalizingly close, but it's not enough to pull me from a pillow so soft and plush._

_"Come on..." the voice urges, stronger, firmer, and I only roll deeper into the bed, pushing myself closer to her, but never noticing the hot touch. I'm far too sleepy to register anything surrounding this moment, "...come on, wake up Jellyface."_

_However tired I am, that gets me and I can't help but smirk into bright white cotton, mumbling, "Jellyface?"_

_"Mmhm. Like it?" Slowly things start coming back to me. Last night. Hand holding. Ashley beside me. Ashley sleeping right next to me, mere inches away, and while it would normally terrify me, while it'd normally shoot me straight out of this bed. It doesn't. Nope, all I can do is immediately smile with eyes still firmly shut._

_"I do."_

_"Good, I do too." I hear her smile between her words, as she gently pokes me in the arm "...now listen to me and wake up!"_

_I really want to listen to her. I would love to spend more heartwarming coherent time with her. But the fact is, I'm not a morning person, never have been. And it takes a whole lot more to wake me up than what she's doing. A whole lot more._

_And then she gives me a whole lot more._

_My eyes are wide wide open now, finding her clasping one of my hands between hers, looking straight into my eyes with a sneaky, but warm, smile on her adorable face. "There you are..." breathes from her lips, and pushes past mine. It hits me so hard, so deep, as she lowers her mouth to my hand, lazily kissing across my fingers. One by one. Inch by inch, covered with her soft lips._

_And I've never been more awake in my life._

_As if we're only just meeting (and after last night, we kind of are), she shyly whispers "hey" and as hard as I try to say "hey" back, I can't. I can't find my voice; it's been swallowed up within my deep breaths._

_Caught in a scorching and shivering stare, she keeps dragging her lips across my warm skin, one of my own fingers instinctively grazing softly over her hand. She rolls onto her back, and away from me, holding my open palm between her fingers. Slowly, oh so slowly, she traces over my life lines and love lines, with the tip of her pointer; no doubt touching every line I hold so far inside me at the same time. And she continues moving, completely torturing me. Up and down the insides of every finger, back and for between every knuckle. All the while her eyes are on mine. All the while her eyes are all over me._

_She's never been this bold before. And I've never let her be this bold before._

_Moving at a tediously slow pace, she pulls her face towards my palm, leaving the most delicate and wet kiss in the middle of it. Keeping her mouth right there, hovering, leaning into me, breathing against my damp skin, as if she were breathing me in. And in a way, she kind of is._

_Taking her time, she finally pulls away, loosely lacing our fingers, holding them between us. Eyes crawling back to mine, as the sweetest whisper ever escapes her warm body, "Mmm...love these."_

_"Yeah?" Shyly asked from my nervous lips, she smiles back at me._

_"Yeah."_

_We get caught up in everything surrounding us, everything falling down on us. Somehow, it's still the same everything from last night. Somehow, it's still relief and it's still beyond amazing. Reality isn't anywhere near this everything. Not yet. And we're savoring it. We're so savoring it._

_"So..."_

_Trailing off, I don't know where I'm going with it. Simply saying anything to keep this comfortable silence. Saying anything to keep her beside me, like this, for as long as I can._

_She forms a wise smile and in the goofiest voice ever, she dramatically exclaims, "Buttons!"_

_"Hey!" Immediately rolling my lazy body closer to hers, I punch her arm with genuine force. "Stop butchering my lines!"_

_She's laughing so hard, curling away from me and my defensive fist, dribbling between her giggles. "Hate to break it to you, Spence, but that line was already butchered to begin with."_

_Gasping, in serious offense, I pull away from her, crossing my arms like a bratty child. "Whatever."_

_"Aww..." She's moving closer to me, practically molding her body to the side of mine, "...you know I adore every one of your lines."_

_I'm still not budging. Not really that upset anymore, but wanting to see how far I can push her. Wanting to see how far she'll actually go._

_"Jelly, come on..." her hands tug at mine, as if she could make me happy again if she could only uncross my arms "...don't be mad."_

_Now I'm just playing, teasing her for the fun of it. Teasing her cause she's so adorable. Teasing her to see just how much she cares._

_"Ok that's it..." before I know it, she's rolled over on top of me, legs pooled and tangled, chests panting against chests. Her hands splay out on the bed beneath me, holding her face above mine. Eyes dead set on my never-opened-wider eyes._

_And suddenly it's so very hard to breathe._

_"Forgive me." Ordered from upturned lips, she stares at me with so much intensity, with so much underlying her words, that all I can do is breathe "forgiven" from somewhere deep in my chest that's so tightly pressed to hers._

_"Good."_

_Her eyes softly trail over the features of my face, and I'm thrown completely off guard as I realize my hands are cradling her hips. My hands are softly holding her close to me, where I've always wanted her. And I wonder...I wonder if I'll ever let her go._

_"This is nice."_

_Lowering her body slightly, she leans on an elbow to the side, letting her left hand rest on my panting chest._

_"Yeah..." my eyes flick over every inch of her, too scared or too overwhelmed or maybe both, to stay in one place, "...yeah it is."_

_But I mean it. No matter how beautifully unnerved I am, nothing has ever been better than where I am right now. Nothing has ever been "nicer" than laying, squished beneath her._

_"Wanna do it again tonight?"_

_Somehow, she's lost my attention within seconds. Somehow her lips stole it along with my eyes, holding both between them, threatening to never let them go, and all I can do is mutter "it?"_

_She notices without a doubt where my mind is, where my eyes are, and she giggles because of it. "This. You know, me and you...just hanging out..." I finally glimpse back to her gorgeous eyes, falling into them as she sweetly continues "...wanna come over tonight and do it again?"_

_"Why do we have to stop it in the first place?"_

_It's so bold and forward, I don't even realize it's me who's asked. But I know I mean it. I know I don't want this to ever stop. Me and her. Just hanging out. I want it to last forever._

_"Well I'd love to..." Once again she chuckles, either completely surprised or knowing full well, how out of it I am. How much of an effect she's having over me, she pokes my chest with every word. "...but someone has to go to work around here, and it ain't me."_

_Suddenly I clasp a hand over my eyes, "Oh, God. It's Monday, isn't it?"_

_"Well, last time I checked." Said with such amusement from her beautiful smirk, her hand gently pulls mine from my eyes, naturally threading our fingers together [I'm realizing just how much she loves hands, and I'm realizing just how much I love her because of it "...Hey now don't hide those gorgeous baby blues."_

_I develop my own smirk. "Gorgeous, huh?"_

_A light blush forms on her cheeks, and it makes something ignite low in my belly; the same one molded against hers. The realization of how close we actually are in this moment. The realization that anything could happen right now has just dawned on me._

_And it looks like it's dawning on her too. It looks like everything has caught up with us, the possibility of everything we've ignored for so long. She knows it, she feels it, and as she tentatively untangles her hand from mine, sliding it up to my neck, I feel it too. I feel it so strongly as she brushes a few strands of hair behind my ear, stroking my cheek; shakily._

_"I've..." Her eyes glimpse down like she's further displaying the meaning behind her words "...I've wanted to do this for so long."_

_The air swallows itself between us, everything is now so heavy. We're not joking. We're not laughing. We're dead serious in a serious moment. A moment that could change everything._

_And we're both not sure we're ready for it. I can tell by the way she's shaking above me. Matching my own quivers, tremor for tremor._

_But it doesn't stop me from sweetly, honestly, exhaling. "Me too."_

_She looks down at me, I look up at her. Suddenly there's nothing between us. Absolutely nothing between us, and I know where this is heading. I'm about to kiss Ashley. We are about to kiss._

_Holy fuck we are going to kiss, she's pulling my face, hand clasped around my rosy cheek, her lips drawing closer to mine as if they were magnetic. My heart is beating, wildly, breaking everything inside me. I'm sure she feels it against her breasts between mine. Her breaths paint a new world against my moist lips. A new world for me to discover. A world I'm so close to drowning in._

_And then she's gone. A loud beeping slicing right through our life changing moment._

_"Jesus, Spence." She rolls back from me, as I grab my cell phone off the bedside table, "...that scared the crap out of me. Why the hell do you have your alarm so loud?"_

_"Uhhh, you know how I sleep..." turning off the blasphemous phone, I feel five tons of tension disintegrate inside me. "You know it takes a sledgehammer to wake me up."_

_That gets her laughing against me, smiling internally at the way it vibrates against my bones. "Yeah. Yeah it does. However, I think I've learned other, softer methods of doing the same."_

_And the tension is back tenfold, burrowing itself a permanent place in my stomach. Especially with those dark eyes boring through mine. Especially with everything weighing down on me once again._

_But it's the good everything. It's the everything that is just me and her. So really, it's the lightest weight I've ever felt._

_"Well, I guess I better be going."_

_Wait, what?_

_"Why?" I pout in complete honesty._

_"Because, you..." one quick tap to my nose "...my dear, have to go to work."_

_"Fine, mom."_

_"Watch it."_

_She holds a stern finger my way, and I lose myself in laughter. Laughter over how right things feel. How warm things are. And maybe she feels it too, cause she joins in with her own light hearted chuckles._

_Lifting my heart so unbelievably high._

_"Well..." Her body pushes up from the bed, leaving the space beside me far too empty and far too cold, "...I hope you have an excellent day, Spence."_

_"Yeah..." I remain splayed out on the bed, smiling softly at her "...I have a feeling I will."_

_That gets me a nose wrinkling smile. That carves me a place in her heart. And it gives me the world, as she stands by my door "...You know, I have that same feeling."_

_We stand there, like two ten year olds who just met their crush. We stand there like the biggest blindest fools in love. So oblivious to the train wreck barreling its way towards us. So unaware of the consequences falling all around us. Too wrapped up in everything, too wrapped up in the fools before us, to even care. To even think about anything else._

_"So I'll see you later, yeah?"_

_She's shy, so adorably shy, as if I might change my mind. And I think I'm falling in love with her all over again; falling in love in a different way. The right way._

_"Yeah. You will."_

_One last lingering heart stopping loving "everything" look, and she quietly leaves my room. She quietly leaves me. Leaving me splayed out on a bed that's never felt fuller. Warmer._

_But really, she's left me inside a body that's never felt fuller. That's never been warmer._

_And I smile wider than I ever have before._

 

_\------------_

 

Anxiously, I wait for her front door to open. Impatiently, I debate knocking again. Just needing to see her, just needing to feel everything again. It's been mere hours since I last saw her, but I haven't left that high. I haven't dropped from it one bit.

I can hear footsteps hurriedly walking to the door, and it makes me even more excited. It makes me wonder if she feels just how I feel. Maybe she needs to see me just as much.

After an eternity, the door opens, revealing her gorgeous face. And I'm so wrapped up in that gorgeous face, I don't see the worry engraved beneath it. I don't see the concern and stress.

"Spence..."

"Hey." I breathe, stepping closer to her, cutting her off, pulling her into a hug. For once I feel so right. So natural. So brave.

Yes, I feel brave. And it makes me feel so strong. It makes me feel so proud.

"Hey. Listen," I pull away, and she's speaking so fast, so hurried, that it still doesn't strike anything in me. "I've been trying to call you, look, I'm so so so so sorry but—"

"Baby sis!"

Oh. God.

Glen shows up from the shadows of the front hall, sloppily and mindlessly kissing Ashley on the forehead before he slaps her ass.

"Thanks for taking care of the ol' ball and chain this weekend."

I want to die. I want to vomit. I actually think I might do both. And as I wearily, wetly, look into Ashley eyes, she looks the exact same way. She mouths a strong, heartbreaking _sorry_ as Glen disappears back into the kitchen, exclaiming over his shoulder "...ladies, we eating or what, I'm fucking starving!"

And just like that, everything disappeared. Everything has been lost. I can't even look her in the eyes anymore. Because I can't find her. Because I've lost her.

Because Glen's finally home.

And so is reality.


	11. Bixby Canyon Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> barefoot in the shallow creek,  
> I grabbed some stones from underneath  
> and waited for you to speak to me  
> and the silence, it became so very clear  
> that you had long ago disappeared  
> I cursed myself for being surprised  
> that this didn't play like it did in my mind

How we (Glen, Aiden, Ashley, and Me) all ended up at O'Neill's on the night we (Ashley and Me) were supposed to just hang out. On the night I've been waiting forever on...well we (You, Me, Ashley, Glen, and Aiden) will never know. Just one of those things, like Murphy's Law, or an alarm that goes off right before you kiss the most gorgeous girl in the world, ending a life changing moment before it even begins.

AKA - the little things that happen daily inside my silly life.

"Ok..." Aiden slides from his chair into the empty one beside me, keeping his attentive eyes on Ashley and Glen grabbing drinks at the bar "...what's going on?"

My sights are set on the same place, the same nauseating bar scene unfolding before our eyes, as I mindlessly ask into thin air, "What?"

"All the tension..." He says it like it's so obvious as I hear him gulp down a chug of his Bud, "...what's up with that? It's getting kind of awkward."

Now he's got my nervous attention, eyes searching his face for a hint of what he's getting at, all the while trying to keep those nerves far from my voice. Oh yeah, I'm reaching towards the top shelf for nonchalant, twirling my glass between my slippery fingers, breezing out, "I don't know what you're talking about." But I definitely couldn't reach that particular shelf, no matter how far I stretched on my tiptoes. I'm failing. I'm failing miserably. I can't keep my unnerved eyes off them. Watching Glen's hand sitting low on her back; Possessively. Unjustly.

She isn't his. She doesn't belong to him.

But as he grabs her hand and she doesn't do anything but keep it inside his, I realize it. I realize she is his. She does belong to him, like I've always believed. And now I wonder how much longer I'll be able to keep my eyes from crying.

"Riiight." Aiden whispers in my ear, before he leans away, before he backs away from this conversation, "Ok, yeah. No. Nevermind. I don't even want to know what you two are fighting about now."

The perfect married couple start walking back towards our table, and it makes me even more anxious. It makes me practically hover over Aiden, feeling more than a little bit stressed as I ask in a rushed and harsh whisper, "Ok when have you ever cared about Glen and I fighting?"

"Believe me, I haven't. I wasn't talking about you and Glen. I was talking about you and his other half."

Excuuuse me, other half? She is so not Glen's other...wait a minute...What is Aiden talking about? Aiden is NOT that perceptive. There's no way he knows...He doesn't...He couldn't...I mean...does he...does he know? No. No, this is Aiden. The man who only makes sense after he's fifteen deep.

The man who still believes the phrase is Doggie Dog World.

"Whatever."

I manage to drip one word in venom and he only laughs; laughs in a way that is far too knowning for my liking. Sliding back into his chair, he leaves Ashley's chair empty for her to fill again. Which she does, stiffly and uncomfortably. Once more fitting her tense body beside my even more tense body. Thanks a lot, _Aiden_.

But I try and shug it off. As I've been doing this whole night, I try to remain cool. Remain calm.

Remain funny.

"So, how was the bar? Positively thrilling?"

Laughing with my sarcastic and lame question, my attempts at funny fall unbelievably short. My laughter is depressing. But dpressing to only me because only I know how much I'd rather cry. How much I'd rather bawl up like a baby, and weep my poor little heart out. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. Ever since this night fell apart on me, I've tried reaching out for her. I've tried not running away. But it's been beyond difficult.

It's been kind of heartwrenching.

"Yup." She cooly sips her drink, keeping her eyes anywhere I'm not. Making my efforts all the more painful. Because Ashley is not trying. Ashley is closed up and running.

And yeah, it's kind of tearing me apart.

"Yeah..." Glen and Aiden start rambling about something sports related, and I just keep on trying "...so how's your drink?"

She holds her glass between her hands, angling it back a bit, as if she were really checking it out. "Pretty good. Can't really go wrong with a Jack and diet."

I sigh. She's not giving me anything, merely focusing her attention on some TV holding the subject of Glen and Aiden's conversation inside it. But really, I know her attention isn't there. I know her attention is on anything that's not me.

I can't help it, I sigh again. I sigh with my life. And I feel it; her sad, full of pity eyes falling on my slumped over shoulders. She keeps doing that. Looking at me sympathetically. As if I were in this pain all on my own. As if this night was no big loss for her.

Ok, no. I have to stop believing that. I have to stop believing she's not as heartbroken as I am. I have to believe that neither of us are going to run.

Because this morning stil happened. Because last night still happened. And I know that was the truth.

"I heard you were all sorts of banged up on Saturday, Aid." Glen laughs over his bottle, and I fight every urge to roll my eyes.

Actually, no I don't fight anything, I roll my eyes so hard I just might have lost them and I hear a light chuckle beside me. One that could only be hers, one that could only mean she saw my disgust with my brother; and it lifts my heart so much. So much more than it should, and I should feel kind of pathetic about it, but it makes me happy more. It makes me too happy to even care.

"Glen, you know it was my birthday, right? Being all sorts of banged up kind of goes along with the territory."

"Yeah, yeah. So did you get any?"

"Glen..." Ashley cuts in, not amused, speaking everyone's mind "...so inappropriate."

"What?" Glen asks, oblivious, and things become heavy. So heavy. Between me looking at Glen, looking at Ashley, looking at me, this circle of drama begins closing in. The obvious tension Aiden mentioned before is sinking in. Sinking in so deep that even Glen is catching onto it.

And then Aiden laughs.

"Uh, Glen, you know it was my birthday, right? Getting laid kind of goes along with the territory."

For once, Aiden's perviness makes me so proud to have him as my best friend. Makes me so unbelievably thankful, because we're all floating now (well, some of us) This circle is no longer decreasing, because of Aiden. Because he might just know more than I want him to.

But that's ok. For now, that is fine by me.

The bar buzzes around us. Glasses clanking over classic rock. Pool tables snapping and cracking. Our table's comfortable silence, Glen and Aiden's pointless conversation filling the spaces between.

But then there's Ashley's unreadable silence. There's her inexplicable introversion. And as I catch Glen's no good eyes wandering to places they shouldn't, to legs that don't belong to him. I can't help myself. I need to push this. I need to find out what's going on. I need to make a move.

Tentatively reaching beneath the table, I slide my hand over, finding hers clasped together in her lap.

I hear her gasp lightly at the contact, I can feel her body stiffen even more. But she doesn't move away, and neither will I. Slowly, I unravel her knots. Slowly, I untie her tight fingers. Letting my surprisingly sturdy ones thread with hers.

In this moment, I'm giving her my everything. Right now, I'm putting myself out there, to prove to her. To show her, with everything I've got.

I'm not running away.

I'm right here with her.

I'm not breaking my promise.

I'm not gonna do that.

And then she throws it all away. She takes my everything and practically shoves it back in my face. Quickly sliding her hand from mine, coughing in a way that crumbles my heart. She returns my everything without a receipt. She returns everything I don't want back, but I have no choice. I have to take it. I have to swallow it. Hard.

And now...now I have to run.

I cough without even realizing it, looking out to my brother and best friend, keeping my eyes nowhere near her, as I try and find my voice. "Hey guys, I think I gotta be going, big day tomorrow..."

Her eyes shoot through me, right through me, as I slide out from my chair. But before I can leave, something stops me. Something in the form of her hand grabbing onto mine beneath the table. Holding mine like I held hers mere minutes ago.

"Hey no, Spence, don't go."

I can't believe this. I can not fucking believe this. She ignores me all night, she practically throws me away, and now she's trying to pull me back.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

Looking at no one, I focus on my purse, pretending to gather things inside it on my lap "Yeah...I can't stay, I have to get up really early...so no, I gotta go."

Without giving her a second to grab my hand again, without giving her any more opportunities to try and convince me to stay (cause I know I'll only listen if she gets one more chance) I push out from my chair, somewhat wobbly, praying I don't knock over anything in the middle of my fast get away.

Praying I don't make a scene as I break a promise.

"...so yeah, I should be going." I'm still mumbling, hoping words can cover my pain. Hoping my voice can reassure any worry.

And Ashley's eyes keep darting inside me. Keep pushing, convincing, pulling me towards her. But I don't go there. I don't look at her. I can't. I just can't. But that doesn't mean I'm escaping how those unreadable eyes feel. They are scorching with something that frightens me. Frightens me so much.

And maybe that's why I won't look at her.

"Figures I'm the only Carlin who can hang."

"Shut the fuck up, Glen!"

Even I jump back from my outburst. Even I feel a little disturbed at where it came from. But really, I'm not all that surprised. Really, I know I can't keep it in anymore. I just can't. I can't sit back anymore and watch him have everything I want. Everything I need. Everything that fits with me.

Everything he could give two shits about.

"Jesus, someone's testy tonight. Better that you leave."

"Seriously, shut the fuck up, Glen!"

This time it's Ashley coming to my rescue. And while she actually does shut him up, it doesn't make me feel better. It only make me feel worse. It only makes my chin tremble. A clear giveaway that I'm seconds away from waterfalling all over this bar.

And I hope to God no one notices. But I know that's pointless. I know that prayer is empty, because there are two people at this close table who'll certainly notice. Two people who know me so well they read me like a billboard.

Ashley, who still hasn't lifted her gaze off me.

"I think I'm gonna head home too, I'll walk you out, Spence."

And Aiden. Aiden who is already by my side, protective hand wrapped around my waist. A hand that has a line of fire burning through it, and as I finally look towards Ashley, as I finally test the waters, I realize it's her eyes shooting that inferno. It's her eyes that spell betrayal.

And I couldn't care less. Because I can't care about her right now, I have to care about me. I have to care about getting the hell out of this bar.

Hell, maybe even this town.

For now, all I can do is walk. All I can do is keep close to Aiden, leaning under the arm he has safely wrapped around my shoulder. Suddenly he looks so much like my knight in shining armor, and I can't help but whisper a shaky "thank you" into his ear.

And as he sincerely smiles my way, asking a quiet "for what?" that's not really a question at all, I remember. I remember clearly and vividly.

I remember just why I keep him around.


End file.
